1
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[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

2
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[CROWD CHEERING]

3
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Wow.
Hello, hello, hello, everybody.

4
00:00:27,069 --> 00:00:29,572
Wow. Thank you so much.

5
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Yeah, it's so fun to be back in Denver.

6
00:00:33,576 --> 00:00:37,538
I've been coming here for 150,000 years
and I'm never bored.

7
00:00:37,621 --> 00:00:39,123
There's always something to do

8
00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:41,709
and that is not the case
every week on the road.

9
00:00:41,792 --> 00:00:43,043
No.

10
00:00:43,127 --> 00:00:46,088
Just not long ago,
I was in this tiny town in Georgia,

11
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me and my friend Vic,

12
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and we were looking for something to do
and we kept asking the local people.

13
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He's like, "We got eight hours off
is there anything fun to do?"

14
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And they just...
all of them responded with,

15
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"Well, you can zip line
to another state for $55."

16
00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:07,109
And I asked the one guy,

17
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just 'cause I wanted to see
if he would know,

18
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I go, "What state would I end up in
if I chose to do it?"

19
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And he literally answered me
with a question.

20
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He goes, "Alabama?"

21
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Yes.

22
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That is the state
on the other side of you,

23
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Jesus, even I know that
and I don't even live here.

24
00:01:25,628 --> 00:01:28,923
And I think that's what you should do
with your criminals in Georgia.

25
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You should zip line them
in the middle of the night to Alabama.

26
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You give him an iPhone and $100

27
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and say, "Look, if we see your ass again
in Georgia,

28
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pow, pow, bang, bang.

29
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No jokey-jokey."

30
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We were so bored.

31
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So he goes,
"Well, let's just go take a walk.

32
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There's a creek over there."

33
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So we took a walk
and some lady pulled up with a red truck.

34
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I don't know her.
He doesn't know her.

35
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She rolled out her window and she goes,

36
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"Hey, are y'all walking on purpose?"

37
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Wow. I've never been asked that
in my whole life.

38
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I go,
"Yeah, we're walking on purpose."

39
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She goes, "Why?"

40
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I said, "'Cause we don't want a zip line
to Alabama."

41
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[CROWD LAUGHS]

42
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Do you guys have saved your ticket?

43
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Like, this has been rescheduled
because of COVID

44
00:02:25,521 --> 00:02:27,356
and I felt so bad during COVID,

45
00:02:27,439 --> 00:02:31,068
'cause like I have relatives
that are teachers and nurses

46
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:35,072
and they all had to work so, so hard
and it was all crazy.

47
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:39,034
And as a comedian,
I was told by the government to stay home

48
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and watch TV and...

49
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I nailed it.

50
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I'm just saying,
I'm kind of an American hero.

51
00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:52,339
So, I followed my instructions.

52
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:55,634
I watched stuff that I didn't even know
really while I was...

53
00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:57,094
why I was watching it,
while I was watching them,

54
00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:00,598
I'm like, "Well, last I checked,
I have a year off, so,

55
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I'll finish it.

56
00:03:02,057 --> 00:03:03,475
Who cares?"

57
00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:08,063
I watched an hour-long special
about Caitlyn Jenner,

58
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and I said to my sister, like,
I don't know, halfway through,

59
00:03:13,068 --> 00:03:16,864
and I go, "I have no idea
what it's like to want to transition,

60
00:03:16,947 --> 00:03:22,202
but the desire must be super powerful
because she, Caitlyn, is in her 60s

61
00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:25,581
and had to go through
all these surgeries and all this craziness

62
00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:27,875
to become a woman in her 60s."

63
00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:31,545
I'm in my 50s
and I don't wanna go to LensCrafters,

64
00:03:31,629 --> 00:03:33,631
like...

65
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,382
I won't do it anymore.

66
00:03:35,466 --> 00:03:37,968
Like these contacts will rot my eyes,

67
00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:42,640
or I will drag my ass
back down to that mall

68
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,309
and have a millennial shoot
air in my eye...

69
00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:48,312
that I didn't ask for.

70
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[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

71
00:03:49,605 --> 00:03:53,025
Stop doing that. Stop doing that.

72
00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:54,777
"We have to test for glaucoma."

73
00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:56,236
"No, you don't. No, you don't.

74
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,947
I'll give you some 70 bucks
and sign a waiver.

75
00:03:58,030 --> 00:03:59,365
We'll call it even."

76
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[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

77
00:04:00,658 --> 00:04:04,036
"Oh, your eyes are closed again."

78
00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:08,999
Yeah. That's what happens when you shoot
an F5 tornado into some of these eyeballs.

79
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:11,627
That's the natural reaction.

80
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:15,005
That's why Jesus gave us eyelids.
That's why we have those.

81
00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:18,425
God.

82
00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:22,262
A year off.

83
00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:24,598
I mean,
people fantasize about that, right?

84
00:04:24,682 --> 00:04:25,683
We've all had those conversation.

85
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:28,602
"What if you had a whole year
of your life, like, what would you do?

86
00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:31,522
Would you, like, write a novel
or, like, you know,

87
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:35,484
learn pottery
or, like, build a cabin?"

88
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:36,610
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

89
00:04:36,694 --> 00:04:39,738
Nope. Turns out nothing.
I did nothing.

90
00:04:41,031 --> 00:04:44,368
I am no different unemployed
than I am employed.

91
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,245
There's just more of it.

92
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,289
Well, "Yeah, I will have
a Bloody Mary right now.

93
00:04:49,373 --> 00:04:53,419
I don't have to be at work
or another 385 days.

94
00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:57,006
Yeah, go ahead. Make it a double."

95
00:04:57,089 --> 00:04:58,924
Who cares?

96
00:04:59,008 --> 00:05:04,680
It really proved the nuns right
of my grade school career,

97
00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:07,182
because in a Catholic school,
they always took that opportunity

98
00:05:07,266 --> 00:05:10,102
on a report card to write
something snide on the back,

99
00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:11,562
and they would always write.

100
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:15,024
"Kathleen does not make
productive use of her free time."

101
00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:20,738
Like to shout-out to Sister Sheila,
you nailed it.

102
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,740
You did. You are still right.

103
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:26,744
I did not make productive use
of that time...

104
00:05:27,453 --> 00:05:28,495
a year.

105
00:05:28,579 --> 00:05:32,583
I thought about learning stuff,
like I thought about learning Spanish,

106
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:36,545
but then I'm like, "Yeah,"
but they're doing so good at English.

107
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:41,467
Like, I'll never catch up to them.

108
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:45,345
Like, I'll be dumb in two languages
and there's no reason

109
00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:47,097
to put yourself through that.

110
00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:52,561
I did teach myself
how to gamble via phone.

111
00:05:52,644 --> 00:05:54,229
That was pretty exciting.

112
00:05:54,313 --> 00:05:55,481
Yeah.

113
00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:59,818
DraftKings, BetMGM, FanDuel, all of them.

114
00:05:59,902 --> 00:06:03,530
But here's a little warning,
if you have an addictive personality,

115
00:06:03,614 --> 00:06:07,159
just a little recommendation,
I would turn the notifications off

116
00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:12,372
because that is a hundred percent
the devil's doorbell, okay?

117
00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:13,791
Every five seconds,

118
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,250
"Bing. Hey, Kathleen.

119
00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:19,463
There's a cricket match starting in Mumbai
in four and a half minutes.

120
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:22,591
Do you wanna get a bet in?"
"Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes."

121
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,760
I don't... I don't even know
how to play cricket,

122
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:25,844
but there's only two teams.

123
00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:28,222
I got a 50/50 chance
right out of the gate.

124
00:06:30,599 --> 00:06:32,810
Set it down, literally four minutes later,

125
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:35,771
"Bing. Hey, Kathleen, there's a women's
tennis tournament

126
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:37,272
starting in Eastern Europe.

127
00:06:37,356 --> 00:06:39,024
Would you like to bet
on individual players?"

128
00:06:39,108 --> 00:06:41,527
"Yes. Any lady that ends it 'ova, '

129
00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:45,989
I want $50 on all the 'ova, '
surely one more win."

130
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,658
And then I'll cover that bet.

131
00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:53,455
The only thing I did learn,
which was alarming,

132
00:06:53,539 --> 00:06:57,376
is that I've been washing
my hands wrong for 56 years.

133
00:06:58,544 --> 00:06:59,628
Yeah.

134
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:02,464
Sanjay Gupta, the Buzzkill.

135
00:07:02,548 --> 00:07:06,301
He was on some show and he said,

136
00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:09,221
"In order to wash your hands properly,

137
00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:12,224
you have to wash your hands
for three minutes."

138
00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:13,684
[CROWD LAUGHS]

139
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:17,104
Exactly.
I'm like, "Three minutes?

140
00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:21,525
Sir, I am involved in a cricket match
in Mumbai right now.

141
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:22,985
Like, I'm a busy lady.

142
00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:24,695
I don't know what you got going on."

143
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:30,450
I didn't wanna fight during COVID.

144
00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:33,871
I hated all the fighting,
so I tried it to avoid any situations,

145
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,790
except at one point
I had to drive through Kentucky

146
00:07:36,874 --> 00:07:39,209
and none of the normal gas stations
were open.

147
00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:42,004
So I had to go to a back-ass
hillbilly gas station,

148
00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:44,923
and I walked in and I had a mask on
at the time,

149
00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:47,301
and the lady...
there was only one person

150
00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:50,220
and there's the lady working in there,
and she's smoking a cig.

151
00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:53,015
And in this hand,
she had a scratch off lottery ticket

152
00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:56,143
and I thought,
"Oh, wow, she still has hope.

153
00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:57,477
I like it."

154
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,273
But when she saw my mask, she went...

155
00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:03,817
[GROANS]

156
00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:05,152
so I was like, "Whatever."

157
00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:06,236
I went to the bathroom.

158
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,155
I got a soda,
I got pretzels and sat them down.

159
00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:10,824
She looked at me with such disdain.

160
00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:13,368
She goes, "I just want you to know...

161
00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:17,039
we don't got Corona here."

162
00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:23,837
I said, "That's okay
because I mostly only drink Bud Light."

163
00:08:23,921 --> 00:08:26,965
[CROWD LAUGHS]

164
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:30,510
And she goes, "What?"
I go, "I know, right?"

165
00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:32,721
And then I ran away. I literally ran.

166
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,517
I left the soda. I dropped $20.

167
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:39,478
I made it rain. And then I ran away.

168
00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:41,730
I was so...

169
00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:46,485
and I was on a roll before COVID
because I've been on the road for, like,

170
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:48,779
185 years and I was like,

171
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,156
"You know what? I should start doing
some bucket list stuff

172
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,242
that I wanna do
before I decide to quit the road,"

173
00:08:53,325 --> 00:08:55,244
and one of the things
I've always wanted to do

174
00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:58,080
was go ice fishing because it looks fun.

175
00:08:58,163 --> 00:09:02,292
And I booked myself at a casino
in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

176
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,461
No. Yeah.

177
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,923
If you've never been there,
uh, it is beautiful.

178
00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:10,550
It's probably some of the most
beautiful landscapes I've ever seen.

179
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:13,679
But the people,
um, I would describe them,

180
00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:16,181
and I think they would be proud of this,

181
00:09:16,265 --> 00:09:19,309
I would describe them as feral.

182
00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:20,852
Like...

183
00:09:25,691 --> 00:09:28,235
they are not properly socialized.

184
00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:29,278
Like...

185
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,781
when you're talking to them,
they have long pauses.

186
00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:35,242
I'm like, "Are we done
or do you have more thoughts?

187
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:38,787
This is not a normal rhythm
to a conversation."

188
00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:41,707
They're all real nice though.

189
00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:44,584
The lady in charge of the gig,
I say, "Can you find somebody

190
00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:46,586
to take me ice fishing on Saturday?

191
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:47,587
She called me back.

192
00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:51,174
She goes, "Okay, Kathleen,
I found a guy that's gonna take you

193
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:53,302
and I promise he's not a pervert."

194
00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:56,638
What?

195
00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,683
Why would you say something like that?

196
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:02,644
Like, what are you
trying to get out in front of?

197
00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:07,149
What's going on up here in the past?

198
00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:08,942
Because, I mean, I'm still going,

199
00:10:09,026 --> 00:10:12,404
but now I'm gonna be thinking
about that the whole time.

200
00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:15,407
I mean,
just looking at this strange man going in.

201
00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:17,993
I'm either gonna catch some fish
or out of nowhere

202
00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:19,661
he's gonna sexually assault me.

203
00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:21,788
But then I thought,

204
00:10:21,872 --> 00:10:26,293
"Yeah, but I bought so many different
pieces of clothing from Bass Pro Shop."

205
00:10:27,044 --> 00:10:29,046
I would almost challenge him like,

206
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:33,550
"If you could get it off, you win it
because you won't...

207
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,178
you won't get it off
because I don't know how I got it on.

208
00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:37,846
I'm never getting out of these clothes."

209
00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:44,603
Be the first

210
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,609


211
00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:53,570
I wanted to
support the women of the Me Too Movement,

212
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,698
but like at one point,
I turned on CNN and they literally,

213
00:10:56,782 --> 00:11:00,577
the people in charge,
were chasing Chuck Grassley down...

214
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:03,163
the senator from Iowa
down a hallway to speak to him

215
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:04,790
about the Me Too Movement.

216
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:05,957
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

217
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:07,000
Ladies,

218
00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:12,214
Chuck is an 88-year-old farmer from Iowa.

219
00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:16,510
He doesn't even understand
why you're out...

220
00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:21,640
like of the house.

221
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:24,518
Like, "It's a Tuesday.

222
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:27,437
Where are your children,
you two bad whores?

223
00:11:28,814 --> 00:11:32,109
And if you're here,
who's making supper for your husband?

224
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,486
I don't understand what's happening."

225
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,614
He's 88.

226
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,074
He's not gonna get it.

227
00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:41,660
Don't waste your time on him,
like, old guys,

228
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:43,412
it's... some of it is generational.

229
00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:45,997
My dad doesn't get it
and my dad's very liberal,

230
00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:47,499
but he's also 80.

231
00:11:47,582 --> 00:11:48,583
This is his "Me too" thing.

232
00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:51,711
He goes, "This 'Me Too' thing,
I mean, obviously,

233
00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:55,132
I don't wanna see you girls
get attacked at work."

234
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:56,466
Thanks, Dad.

235
00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:58,135
That's a good thought.

236
00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,220
I like going to work with that thought.
You know what?

237
00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:03,807
Today, Dad's on my side
about not getting attacked.

238
00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:07,394
He goes,
"But seriously, this for 'Me Too' thing,

239
00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:09,646
are we gonna take it too far?

240
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:10,981
Hmm?

241
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:15,026
Are you not even gonna be able
to wink at a gal in your office?"

242
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,114
Nobody's doing that anymore, Dad.

243
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:23,201
I don't know...
I don't know when it was popular,

244
00:12:23,285 --> 00:12:26,413
like, back in the '60s
when <i>Bewitched</i> was on or whatever,

245
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:30,250
and you guys
would all go get shitfaced at lunch

246
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,252
and then just go back
and wink your ass off

247
00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:35,505
as nobody you thought was super-hot?
Uh-uh."

248
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:40,343
All right, Dad,
if you winked a little at a millennial,

249
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,304
they wouldn't even know
what you were doing.

250
00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:45,056
They would just be like,
"Oh, my God, there's something wrong

251
00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:48,727
with Mr. Madigan's eye."

252
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:51,354
Like every time
I walk by his office, he's like...

253
00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:59,362
Maybe he has that dry eye Jennifer Aniston
talks about in those commercials, right?

254
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:02,032
Like, we should get them those drops,
as a secret Santa

255
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,658
and just leave them there for him.

256
00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:09,164
In the Me Too Movement,
all the men that were accused...

257
00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:11,875
what was crazy is the media,
it didn't matter who was accused,

258
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,211
another rich, powerful boss guy,
they'd go,

259
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,629
"Is it this shocking?"

260
00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:18,590
No, because the men you're talking about
are in charge

261
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:20,383
and they're the boss
and they have money and power.

262
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,303
It'll be shocking,
like, if you told me Jerry

263
00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:25,263
from the bowling alley did all that shit.

264
00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:29,476
I'm like, "What? Stop it.
You're kidding me."

265
00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:32,729
Jerry can't do it,
because Jerry has no power.

266
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,397
Jerry only has power over shoes.

267
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,775
That's Jerry's area.

268
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:38,652
And nobody cares about your bowling shoes.

269
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:40,529
You take what you're given
and you're happy.

270
00:13:40,612 --> 00:13:43,782
It's just that easy,
but, like, no matter what guy,

271
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,909
Charlie Rose was one of the big ones
because they thought

272
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,327
he was such an esteemed journalist,

273
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:50,789
Charlie Rose, I'm not saying he did it.
I have no idea.

274
00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:52,874
But to be accused, not shocking.

275
00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:56,628
It would be shocking if you told me
Charlie Rose was a furry.

276
00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:02,008
I'll be like, "What?

277
00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:05,720
No way. What animal is he?
I wanna know.

278
00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:08,431
I judge people...

279
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,559
on what animal they chose."

280
00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:12,811
And if you don't know what a furry is,
do not feel stupid.

281
00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:15,188
I didn't know them until three years ago.

282
00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:18,775
I was sitting in a San Jose Marriot Bar

283
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,319
that was attached to the convention center

284
00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:24,322
and it was my day off
and all of these people

285
00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:27,158
in elaborate animal costumes started
coming in

286
00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:30,453
and I was like,
"Wow, they're impressive," right?

287
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,163
And I... in my mind, I thought,

288
00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:36,876
"Oh, it must be
a mascot convention," right?

289
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,297
You know, 'cause they work alone,
they probably like to get together

290
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,507
and complain about work, like we all do.

291
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:48,597
But then as they kept coming in, I'm like,
"You know, I know a lot about sports

292
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,765
and I don't recognize
any of these mascots."

293
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,853
So then all on my own, I decided,

294
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:59,441
"Oh, I bet it's minor league,"
you know, because there are so many teams.

295
00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:01,067
You can't keep up.

296
00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:04,946
The Savannah Bananas,
you know, like, too many.

297
00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:09,701
So the bartender came back and I go,
"When... how long are the mascots in town?"

298
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:13,038
He's like, "What?

299
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:15,373
Lady, those are furries."

300
00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:17,459
I go, "Oh, what's a furry?"

301
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:20,128
He goes, "Well, I'm not one of them
and I don't wanna answer that question."

302
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:27,927
I said, "Well, my phone's dead.
Come on, I can't Google it."

303
00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:31,306
He goes, "Well,
they're like Millennial type age people

304
00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:34,017
and they like to dress up like animals.

305
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:38,104
And then they come to these conventions
and some of them just wanna be the animal

306
00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:41,107
and then others wanna hook up
as the animal."

307
00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:46,154
Okay. I said, "Well, can I just ask
one follow-up question?

308
00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:50,241
Um, if, if you're gonna hook up,

309
00:15:50,325 --> 00:15:54,621
do you have to stay
within your species or is that taboo?

310
00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:58,625
Like can the beagle get with the iguana
if nobody knows, or like...?"

311
00:16:02,253 --> 00:16:04,464
he was like, "Yeah."
And then he walked away.

312
00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:05,965
I'm like, "Well, I still wanted a beer.

313
00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:08,385
I know that you didn't like
that conversation."

314
00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:13,973
I'm like, "Wow. That's what a lot
of the Millennials are doing on weekends."

315
00:16:14,057 --> 00:16:16,017
And you know what?
I am a fan of the Millennials

316
00:16:16,101 --> 00:16:19,062
because they're the first generation
that has realized

317
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:22,357
that if you live with your parents
long enough,

318
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,609
eventually they'll be glad you're there.

319
00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:25,694
Yes!

320
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:30,490
It's gonna take a while,
but grind it out, Millennials

321
00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:33,576
'cause when your...
when your parents are 85

322
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,036
and they see you in the kitchen,
they'll be like,

323
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,831
"Hey, can you drive at night?

324
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:42,711
That's fantastic.

325
00:16:42,794 --> 00:16:45,672
We wanna go to bingo on Friday at 8:00.

326
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:48,299
What's your name again?

327
00:16:49,551 --> 00:16:50,885
Matt?

328
00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:52,220
Okay, Matt.

329
00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:56,433
So, Matt, did you leave ever
or did you fail and come back,

330
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:59,269
or did you just... have you been here?
We forgot."

331
00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:06,568
I am frequently shocked though
when you're dealing with Millennials

332
00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:10,321
in the general public
and I think it's kind of nice I guess

333
00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:15,618
that they truly believe on some level
that strangers care about them.

334
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:16,703
Like...

335
00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:22,208
I was in Lowe's
and I had all these tiny paint samples

336
00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:24,377
and paint brushes,
I just... I set 'em down.

337
00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:28,631
And then I... the guy was like 30 whatever,
and I go, "Hey, how are you doing, man?"

338
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:33,970
He goes, "Uh, not good, lady. Not good."

339
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,222
He said, "I just saw the work schedule

340
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:38,433
and I was supposed to have
three days off in a row

341
00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:41,770
because I worked three days in a row,

342
00:17:43,772 --> 00:17:44,773
and I don't.

343
00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:47,233
And I don't even know
if I wanna work here anymore."

344
00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:50,570
And in my head, I thought,

345
00:17:50,653 --> 00:17:53,615
"Oh, my God, he thought I meant that."

346
00:17:57,869 --> 00:18:01,164
I don't really care how you are, sir.

347
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:03,333
I barely care that I'm here.

348
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,668
I... that was just a pleasantry.

349
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:08,546
Those are nice things you say
to keep society moving

350
00:18:08,630 --> 00:18:10,381
and forward progress

351
00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:13,259
so we don't kill each other
with barbecue equipment on weekends,

352
00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:15,595
like nobody cares.

353
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,516
Yeah.

354
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:22,685
I... that's why I think we could use
a little bit more to people

355
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,854
being nice in public and pleasant

356
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:26,940
because I think everybody
forgot to behave,

357
00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:31,402
how to behave in the general public,
like I went into a Taco Bell...

358
00:18:31,486 --> 00:18:32,570
yeah, like, be nice.

359
00:18:32,654 --> 00:18:34,322
It's not that hard.

360
00:18:36,366 --> 00:18:40,078
People have just flipped their lids like...
I went to a Taco Bell.

361
00:18:40,161 --> 00:18:42,247
Now, there's only two girls,
they're probably in their 20s

362
00:18:42,330 --> 00:18:44,541
and there's only two employees
'cause we're not employees anymore.

363
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:47,627
One's trying to fix the drive-thru
which is broken, which is why I went in

364
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:51,256
and there's one girl that's gonna wait
on me and there's a man ahead of me.

365
00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:52,590
He's about mid-60s.

366
00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:55,844
She tells him
they're completely out of mild sauce.

367
00:18:55,927 --> 00:18:58,304
And he loses it.
He just loses it.

368
00:18:58,388 --> 00:18:59,764
And he starts yelling and screaming.

369
00:18:59,848 --> 00:19:00,974
And in my mind, I'm like,

370
00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:04,811
"Dude, that is the last lady
on the Titanic

371
00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:07,063
handing out life jackets.

372
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:10,608
Like, don't piss her off
because that's the 20-somethings,

373
00:19:10,692 --> 00:19:13,194
they will quit, sir.
I don't think you understand.

374
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:16,281
They will fucking leave in a minute."

375
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:20,159
And they all agree on that.

376
00:19:20,243 --> 00:19:23,413
It's like they formed a union
without ever having a meeting.

377
00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:29,335
It's... and I think their union
should be called "Yeah, no,"

378
00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:31,671
'cause they won't.

379
00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:34,424
[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

380
00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:40,138
And good for them, you know,

381
00:19:40,221 --> 00:19:42,140
'cause it never occurred
to our generation.

382
00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:45,018
"Hey, I could just leave here."
Nope. Never even thought about it.

383
00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:48,897
"Oh, man, this blows but I'm gonna stay
'cause I thought I'd die."

384
00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:52,942
But I'm looking at him going,
he's still yelling at the girl.

385
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:57,071
I'm like, "If she quits, sir,
do you understand we have to do it.

386
00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:01,743
Do you know how to make a gordita?
I don't.

387
00:20:02,327 --> 00:20:05,455
I want a soft-shelled chalupa, no idea."

388
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:10,043
Then I went out to the car
and my sister goes,

389
00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:12,170
"Oh, I saw that guy losing his mind.

390
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:13,296
What was he saying?"

391
00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:15,632
I said, "It doesn't even matter
what he was saying.

392
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:18,635
I can tell you this though,
I know it was for, uh, certainty.

393
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:22,180
We as a nation are not prepared for war."

394
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,729
That was mild sauce.
Not even fire.

395
00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:32,482
He went that crazy.

396
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:40,073
Sometimes I wish the Millennials
could be a little more flexible though

397
00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:43,242
'cause I think they're linear,
'cause they grew up with the computer,

398
00:20:43,326 --> 00:20:45,787
they fully trust the computer, um,

399
00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:47,163
to the point
where sometimes they're like...

400
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:52,001
I was babysitting my brother's three kids,
and I called to get pizzas to be delivered

401
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:54,671
and the girl goes,
"What's the address?"

402
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:55,713
And I gave it to her.

403
00:20:55,797 --> 00:20:59,842
She goes, "Hmm, yeah, that's not coming up
on GPS so we can't bring your pizza."

404
00:21:01,344 --> 00:21:02,679
Oh.

405
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:07,266
I'm like, "Can we do it the old way
or I'll just tell you how to get here

406
00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:09,477
and then you'll come with pizza

407
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,146
5and then I'll just throw
a bunch of crumpled dollar bills

408
00:21:12,230 --> 00:21:15,233
in your direction
with tips and all that?"

409
00:21:15,316 --> 00:21:18,152
She goes, "No,
because we were taught in training

410
00:21:18,236 --> 00:21:21,698
that if you go to a house that has
a GPS address that doesn't come up,

411
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:24,534
that's exactly how you get lured
to your own death."

412
00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:30,790
What?

413
00:21:30,873 --> 00:21:32,625
So I said, just to see...

414
00:21:32,709 --> 00:21:34,544
I wanted to see
if I would get a reaction,

415
00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:38,172
I go, "Yeah. 'Cause I remember
like in the '70s and '80s

416
00:21:38,256 --> 00:21:41,884
all those pizza kids that were murdered,
like every weekend

417
00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:44,387
we'd lose another 400
and then more signed up.

418
00:21:44,470 --> 00:21:46,723
I don't even know.
That was just in the Midwest.

419
00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,766
I don't even know the coastal counts."

420
00:21:49,767 --> 00:21:52,353
And she just goes, "Yeah. Bye."

421
00:21:52,437 --> 00:21:56,441
Like I don't...
she may have believed it, not sure.

422
00:22:02,238 --> 00:22:04,949
They're a trusting bunch,
the Millennials, which I appreciate.

423
00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:06,409
I like, I think it's nice.

424
00:22:06,492 --> 00:22:08,619
I don't think my group,
not trusting at all.

425
00:22:08,703 --> 00:22:12,290
Like during COVID, one of the things
that was really weird is like,

426
00:22:12,373 --> 00:22:14,250
most of my normal friends
and my relatives,

427
00:22:15,877 --> 00:22:18,254
they still had to go to work
so they had stuff to do

428
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:21,215
so nobody wanted
to participate in my world.

429
00:22:21,299 --> 00:22:24,427
And, like, one day I called my brother,
he worked at a bank and I go,

430
00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:29,307
"Hey, Pat, you're not gonna believe this
but there's a king cobra

431
00:22:29,390 --> 00:22:32,018
loose in Grand Prairie, Texas

432
00:22:32,101 --> 00:22:34,145
'cause some asshole

433
00:22:34,228 --> 00:22:38,357
forgot to put the lid
on his "cobra cage,"

434
00:22:38,441 --> 00:22:41,277
and it's just running around
a normal neighborhood.

435
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,488
And my brother goes, "Well,
you're not gonna believe this Kathleen,

436
00:22:43,571 --> 00:22:45,823
but I have a job."
And he hung up.

437
00:22:48,117 --> 00:22:49,702
Boo.

438
00:22:49,786 --> 00:22:52,163
Boo, Patrick.

439
00:22:53,122 --> 00:22:56,042
So then I texted him,
I knew that would make him mad,

440
00:22:56,125 --> 00:22:58,127
I'm like, "So I guess you don't care
about the zebras

441
00:22:58,211 --> 00:23:00,463
loose in Maryland either then,
do you, Pat?

442
00:23:00,546 --> 00:23:01,756
You wanna know more?

443
00:23:01,839 --> 00:23:03,132
Call me back."

444
00:23:05,968 --> 00:23:08,554
So I didn't have anybody to talk to
so I thought, well...

445
00:23:08,638 --> 00:23:11,182
I started Madigan's Pubcast
'cause I thought,

446
00:23:11,265 --> 00:23:15,812
"Well, there's gonna be a lot of"
yeah, it's fun, people.

447
00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:18,356
Somebody wants
to hear these stories, right?

448
00:23:18,439 --> 00:23:19,482
'Cause they're true.

449
00:23:19,565 --> 00:23:22,527
It's important
there's a cobra loose for Christ's sake.

450
00:23:23,569 --> 00:23:26,864
But I had a Millennial
hit me up on Instagram

451
00:23:26,948 --> 00:23:28,032
and she wrote,

452
00:23:28,116 --> 00:23:32,370
"I'm coming to see your show in Austin
'cause I love your podcast.

453
00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:34,288
I didn't know you were a comedian."

454
00:23:36,165 --> 00:23:38,376
Okay. Fair enough, you know?

455
00:23:38,459 --> 00:23:40,086
She's young, whatever. Fair enough.

456
00:23:40,169 --> 00:23:41,420
But I was very curious.

457
00:23:41,504 --> 00:23:44,841
I go, just out of curiosity,
'cause she had bought a ticket,

458
00:23:44,924 --> 00:23:49,720
I go, "What did you think I was gonna do
when you got there?"

459
00:23:51,556 --> 00:23:52,932
And she wrote back,

460
00:23:53,015 --> 00:23:55,017
"Well, I didn't know."

461
00:23:56,978 --> 00:24:00,189
I thought,
"Wow, that's so trusting."

462
00:24:00,273 --> 00:24:01,941
Like I'm 56,

463
00:24:02,024 --> 00:24:05,653
I've never bought a ticket
to a surprise show in my life.

464
00:24:07,405 --> 00:24:08,739
I got 37 bucks.

465
00:24:08,823 --> 00:24:11,367
Let's see what's going on
in that building.

466
00:24:14,245 --> 00:24:18,958
I do wish the Millennials though
would step it up in this one department.

467
00:24:19,041 --> 00:24:21,043
I would like them to run for office.

468
00:24:21,127 --> 00:24:24,380
I'd like them to try to be in charge.

469
00:24:27,216 --> 00:24:29,594
Yeah,
'cause the people in charge right now,

470
00:24:29,677 --> 00:24:33,389
um, we are being governed
by a Florida Bridge club and...

471
00:24:36,058 --> 00:24:40,396
nobody seems alarmed
and nobody wants to say nothing

472
00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:42,106
'cause you're being mean to Meemaw.

473
00:24:42,190 --> 00:24:44,317
No, I don't... I don't give a shit anymore.

474
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:47,945
It has gotten...
it has gone over the rainbow.

475
00:24:48,029 --> 00:24:50,615
Chuck Grassley,
the 88-year-old from Iowa,

476
00:24:50,698 --> 00:24:53,117
announced on Twitter, and
I know he's doing his own tweets.

477
00:24:53,201 --> 00:24:54,202
You know how I know that?

478
00:24:54,285 --> 00:24:55,453
Because he signs them.

479
00:24:56,787 --> 00:24:58,789
Okay, Papaw, you don't have to do that.

480
00:24:58,873 --> 00:25:01,209
He announced he's running again.

481
00:25:02,168 --> 00:25:04,003
No, Papaw, no.

482
00:25:04,086 --> 00:25:06,547
You are 88. You go home now.

483
00:25:06,631 --> 00:25:09,383
That's what you do when you're 88.

484
00:25:09,467 --> 00:25:12,220
And it doesn't... yeah.

485
00:25:12,303 --> 00:25:14,555
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

486
00:25:14,639 --> 00:25:18,184
It doesn't mean that you don't have worth
and you don't have value,

487
00:25:18,267 --> 00:25:19,685
but you gotta find
something else to do

488
00:25:19,769 --> 00:25:21,437
instead of being in charge
of 350 million people.

489
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:22,438
Okay, Papaw?

490
00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:26,609
Here's... like, my dad was a lawyer,
my dad retired,

491
00:25:26,692 --> 00:25:29,070
and then my dad became
a golf marshal.

492
00:25:29,153 --> 00:25:30,446
That's appropriate.

493
00:25:30,529 --> 00:25:32,907
If you don't know what a golf marshal is,

494
00:25:32,990 --> 00:25:35,284
it's an old guy that gets in a cart

495
00:25:35,368 --> 00:25:38,537
and then he drives around the course
and yells at other old people

496
00:25:38,621 --> 00:25:40,039
to hurry their asses up

497
00:25:40,122 --> 00:25:44,669
because not everybody has 11 hours
to play four holes.

498
00:25:51,259 --> 00:25:52,760
And it's both sides of the aisle.

499
00:25:52,843 --> 00:25:54,220
I mean, there's no difference.

500
00:25:54,303 --> 00:25:56,681
I mean Nancy Pelosi,
I don't really know for sure

501
00:25:57,682 --> 00:26:01,769
how old she is, but some days
I know for sure her teeth don't fit right.

502
00:26:01,852 --> 00:26:04,313
I know that. I know that.

503
00:26:07,608 --> 00:26:09,485
'Cause it happens to my mom.

504
00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:10,695
It's a bridge issue.

505
00:26:10,778 --> 00:26:13,489
There's like a clip
that goes on that fang tooth

506
00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:16,575
and if it slips, it's not good.

507
00:26:16,659 --> 00:26:19,996
Like my mom will be speaking like
a totally normal human being

508
00:26:20,079 --> 00:26:21,831
and then it's just full-on Liza Minnelli,

509
00:26:21,914 --> 00:26:23,624
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

510
00:26:23,708 --> 00:26:24,917
Mom,

511
00:26:26,377 --> 00:26:27,336
fix it.

512
00:26:28,254 --> 00:26:29,255
Clip it back on.

513
00:26:29,338 --> 00:26:31,799
You sound like you're having a stroke
and... I don't know.

514
00:26:33,175 --> 00:26:37,346
But Nancy will do it live on TV,
just come out for a press conference.

515
00:26:37,430 --> 00:26:39,390
"Hi, everybody, it's me, Nancy Pelosi.

516
00:26:39,473 --> 00:26:43,019
And today I'd like you...
I'd like to discuss insurance.

517
00:26:43,102 --> 00:26:45,313
I'm like, "Ah, fix it."

518
00:26:47,690 --> 00:26:50,484
"Affordable healthcare insurance,
that's what I like to talk about.

519
00:26:50,568 --> 00:26:52,653
I don't know sign language.
It looks like I do.

520
00:26:52,737 --> 00:26:57,575
Actually, my hands just do this
'cause I'm Italian.

521
00:26:57,658 --> 00:26:59,285
We talk with our hands.

522
00:26:59,368 --> 00:27:01,579
That's why I have such good skin
'cause I'm Italian.

523
00:27:01,662 --> 00:27:03,456
I'm actually... I'm 64.

524
00:27:03,539 --> 00:27:04,874
Nobody knows that."

525
00:27:06,876 --> 00:27:08,961
No. No.

526
00:27:09,045 --> 00:27:12,590
Over 80. Mitch McConnell,
the talking turtle from Kentucky.

527
00:27:12,673 --> 00:27:15,843
No, I just can't look at you anymore.

528
00:27:15,926 --> 00:27:17,386
It's over now.

529
00:27:18,846 --> 00:27:22,850
The man's never voted yes
for anything, you know?

530
00:27:22,933 --> 00:27:24,352
"I vote no on everything.

531
00:27:24,435 --> 00:27:25,978
That's my thing.

532
00:27:26,062 --> 00:27:27,813
Sometimes
if I haven't voted no in a while,

533
00:27:27,897 --> 00:27:33,110
I'll write a bill just to vote against
myself so I stay in practice."

534
00:27:35,529 --> 00:27:38,616
And I'm not saying the Millennials
would be any smarter, I don't know.

535
00:27:38,699 --> 00:27:42,119
But I know for sure they don't have
grudges that go back so far,

536
00:27:42,203 --> 00:27:45,998
they're not repairable because
I haven't had the time to have 'em.

537
00:27:46,082 --> 00:27:48,667
When you hear these, these people
fighting, and Mitch McConnell,

538
00:27:48,751 --> 00:27:53,464
"Well, I remember when Nancy Pelosi
voted against the Spanish-American War."

539
00:27:53,547 --> 00:27:57,676
I was like, "You California-salad-eating-

540
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:01,222
pie-nut-loving-fruitcake-piece-of-shit,

541
00:28:01,305 --> 00:28:05,601
them boys at the Alamo would be alive
if it wasn't for Nancy Pelosi."

542
00:28:07,853 --> 00:28:10,606
And so the only time
I've ever voted yes in my life,

543
00:28:10,689 --> 00:28:13,192
reinforcements
for Mr. David Crockett."

544
00:28:15,069 --> 00:28:16,278
Stop.

545
00:28:18,864 --> 00:28:21,117
It's crazy.

546
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:23,160
And then who are we presented with?

547
00:28:23,244 --> 00:28:25,621
More 80-somethings.

548
00:28:25,704 --> 00:28:31,544
Bernie Sanders said he's probably
pretty sure he's gonna run again.

549
00:28:31,627 --> 00:28:33,796
Bernie is like from the Bible old.

550
00:28:33,879 --> 00:28:38,384
Like I... if you could bet on DraftKings,

551
00:28:38,467 --> 00:28:40,928
one person is still alive from the Bible,

552
00:28:41,011 --> 00:28:43,848
I'd throw a hundred on Bernie.
I'm like, "Yes."

553
00:28:46,392 --> 00:28:47,643
And I liked Bernie.

554
00:28:47,726 --> 00:28:49,854
I had a soft spot for him 'cause to me,

555
00:28:49,937 --> 00:28:51,313
every time he showed up somewhere,

556
00:28:51,397 --> 00:28:54,400
he always looked like he may have just
been involved in a car accident.

557
00:29:01,949 --> 00:29:03,742
"I'm sorry I'm late.

558
00:29:03,826 --> 00:29:05,953
Let me take off my mittens.

559
00:29:09,999 --> 00:29:12,877
The maid in Vermont
by a woman named Naomi.

560
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:15,588
If you'd like a pair, go to my website."

561
00:29:19,925 --> 00:29:21,594
I thought Biden was too old.

562
00:29:21,677 --> 00:29:24,180
And I don't know why nobody helps the guy,
like I don't get it.

563
00:29:24,263 --> 00:29:26,765
Like when he's out giving speeches,
I would do it for free.

564
00:29:26,849 --> 00:29:28,642
I'll be in charge of...
I'll be in charge of him

565
00:29:28,726 --> 00:29:31,854
'cause here's what I would say to him,
I go, "Joe, here's the deal.

566
00:29:31,937 --> 00:29:34,815
Guess what?
We're not gonna do anymore story times.

567
00:29:34,899 --> 00:29:39,862
We're not... ixnay on the stories, okay?

568
00:29:39,945 --> 00:29:43,282
'Cause it's... they're very dated,
stick to the script.

569
00:29:43,365 --> 00:29:44,700
And what I'm gonna do for you, Joe,

570
00:29:44,783 --> 00:29:48,662
is I'm gonna stay on side stage
with a burlap bag full of tennis balls.

571
00:29:48,746 --> 00:29:53,542
And any time you start going off-script
and telling a story,

572
00:29:53,626 --> 00:29:56,462
I'm gonna throw a tennis ball
in your direction, not at you,

573
00:29:56,545 --> 00:29:59,423
just so you see it and you go,

574
00:29:59,507 --> 00:30:03,260
'Oh, shit. Right. I'm not supposed
to do that.' Right. Right."

575
00:30:05,679 --> 00:30:09,725
Because at one point he kept repeating
the story, no one's ever stopped him.

576
00:30:09,808 --> 00:30:11,519
It's a story about when he was a teenager

577
00:30:11,602 --> 00:30:14,355
and there was another gang
somewhere in Delaware

578
00:30:14,438 --> 00:30:17,399
and that gang leader
was named Corn Pop.

579
00:30:19,276 --> 00:30:21,820
And he said,
"Remember the night before a gang fight

580
00:30:21,904 --> 00:30:23,864
how you'd take that straight razor

581
00:30:23,948 --> 00:30:26,992
and you'd put it in a rain barrel
to let it get rusty all night?"

582
00:30:27,076 --> 00:30:30,746
"Ah-ah, tennis ball,
where is the tennis ball?"

583
00:30:32,414 --> 00:30:34,124
"What are you talking about?"

584
00:30:35,417 --> 00:30:37,419
A straight razor? No, I don't...

585
00:30:37,503 --> 00:30:40,506
sound like we're in the Westerns
where they go like that on their face

586
00:30:40,589 --> 00:30:45,511
and then you're saying you put it in water
on purpose to get it rusty to then,

587
00:30:45,594 --> 00:30:49,014
I guess when you stabbed people,
to give them tetanus?

588
00:30:49,098 --> 00:30:51,600
Like, this is sociopathic.

589
00:30:53,185 --> 00:30:54,186
No.

590
00:30:57,940 --> 00:30:59,358
I thought Trump was too old.

591
00:30:59,441 --> 00:31:01,694
But here's where I knew
he was definitely too old

592
00:31:01,777 --> 00:31:03,946
because whenever he gives speeches
in any state

593
00:31:04,029 --> 00:31:06,740
that has any relationship
with coal or coal mining,

594
00:31:06,824 --> 00:31:09,535
he gets up front, everybody goes,
"You know what I'm gonna do?

595
00:31:10,661 --> 00:31:12,621
I'm gonna open, like,

596
00:31:12,705 --> 00:31:17,251
a bazillion, gillion,
trillion new coal mines.

597
00:31:18,711 --> 00:31:20,588
And we're gonna have coal everywhere.

598
00:31:20,671 --> 00:31:23,591
And all the young people
are gonna be so happy

599
00:31:23,674 --> 00:31:28,012
because they could be coal miners
and they can stay in their area."

600
00:31:31,181 --> 00:31:32,558
Part of me thought, "You know what?

601
00:31:32,641 --> 00:31:35,728
I think he believes that in, in some way

602
00:31:35,811 --> 00:31:38,522
but I think you believe that
because you're too old."

603
00:31:38,606 --> 00:31:41,609
Because I have met
50,000 Millennials on the road

604
00:31:41,692 --> 00:31:46,989
and I have not yet met one that I think
would agree to be a coal miner.

605
00:31:48,907 --> 00:31:50,784
And nor should they.

606
00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:56,415
I would give everything
I have though to see their reaction

607
00:31:56,498 --> 00:31:59,376
to the job description of coal mining,

608
00:32:00,419 --> 00:32:04,006
just sitting on their phones,
half-ass paying attention to me,

609
00:32:04,089 --> 00:32:05,591
"So wait. What?

610
00:32:07,926 --> 00:32:13,807
So, like, you want me to go into Earth
in the daytime,

611
00:32:13,891 --> 00:32:19,188
in a rollercoaster
to get rocks, like rocks?

612
00:32:20,856 --> 00:32:26,362
Well, will my phone work down there
because I won't do it if I can't TikTok.

613
00:32:26,445 --> 00:32:28,405
That's my thing.

614
00:32:28,489 --> 00:32:30,741
So, yeah, no."

615
00:32:35,537 --> 00:32:39,083
I tried to learn to TikTok
over the pandemic.

616
00:32:39,166 --> 00:32:42,002
My nieces love it,
but they're 13 and they're like,

617
00:32:42,086 --> 00:32:43,379
"We'll show you, Aunt Kath."

618
00:32:43,462 --> 00:32:45,673
And they show me their phones
and I watch them.

619
00:32:45,756 --> 00:32:48,676
If you've never seen TikTok,
it's just a barrage of videos.

620
00:32:48,759 --> 00:32:52,471
And I put them down and they're like,
"You didn't like it, did you?"

621
00:32:52,554 --> 00:32:55,474
I go,
"Well, here's what I'll say about it,

622
00:32:55,557 --> 00:32:59,853
'I feel like I just sat next to someone
who did an eight ball.'"

623
00:32:59,937 --> 00:33:02,147
[LAUGHTER]

624
00:33:02,231 --> 00:33:03,190
"Nope."

625
00:33:07,820 --> 00:33:11,699
I'm a drinker, not a drugger, so nope."

626
00:33:13,158 --> 00:33:16,036
And they go like,
"Oh, are you saying it's, like, too much?"

627
00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:17,329
I go, "Yeah, it's way too much.

628
00:33:17,413 --> 00:33:19,289
I can't... I can't process it."

629
00:33:19,373 --> 00:33:21,750
They go, "Yeah. But just because
our videos are mostly

630
00:33:21,834 --> 00:33:23,460
dance, and music, and stuff,

631
00:33:23,544 --> 00:33:25,713
like you could build your own
and it won't be as crazy."

632
00:33:25,796 --> 00:33:28,090
I said, "All right." So I signed up

633
00:33:28,173 --> 00:33:31,927
and I don't know how it decides what
your first batch of videos is gonna be.

634
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:36,223
But my first batch,
all of my people were in hospice.

635
00:33:36,306 --> 00:33:37,433
I was like...

636
00:33:37,516 --> 00:33:41,979
[LAUGHTER]

637
00:33:42,062 --> 00:33:44,606
"This is horrible.
Why would anybody watch this?

638
00:33:44,690 --> 00:33:47,109
Why, why is this entertaining?"

639
00:33:47,192 --> 00:33:50,028
And they're like, "Don't watch it too long
or you'll get a lot more of them."

640
00:33:50,904 --> 00:33:53,115
I was like, "What?"
They're like, "Mm-hmm. Too late.

641
00:33:53,198 --> 00:33:54,825
You went past six seconds."

642
00:33:57,286 --> 00:33:58,954
They go,
"Did you ever watch one somewhere?"

643
00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:01,331
I go, "Okay. On Instagram, I did.

644
00:34:01,415 --> 00:34:03,125
I watched a hospice video.

645
00:34:03,208 --> 00:34:07,921
Maybe they know that because the girl
was so young, she was like 26 years old.

646
00:34:08,005 --> 00:34:09,131
She was sadly dying.

647
00:34:09,214 --> 00:34:12,509
But she had said it all started
with her eye twitching,

648
00:34:12,593 --> 00:34:15,596
and at the time,
my left eye had been twitching

649
00:34:15,679 --> 00:34:17,097
for like two and a half weeks,

650
00:34:17,181 --> 00:34:20,225
I just know I was tired running around."
Then I was like, "Shit.

651
00:34:20,309 --> 00:34:21,685
I didn't know it could end like this."

652
00:34:21,769 --> 00:34:22,936
Like, this is...

653
00:34:25,481 --> 00:34:28,025
I'd prefer Instagram
because it's passive.

654
00:34:28,108 --> 00:34:29,526
It's just... yeah.

655
00:34:29,610 --> 00:34:31,945
It's just, "Oh, look, beagle, puppy.

656
00:34:32,029 --> 00:34:34,281
Beagle...
oh, there's a cat eating a popsicle."

657
00:34:34,364 --> 00:34:35,616
It's just pleasant.

658
00:34:35,699 --> 00:34:36,784
There's nothing bad.

659
00:34:36,867 --> 00:34:38,577
People are nice on Instagram.

660
00:34:38,660 --> 00:34:41,622
Like Twitter,
I like it, but it's aggressive.

661
00:34:41,705 --> 00:34:43,290
You better be ready.

662
00:34:44,124 --> 00:34:49,171
It's like walking into a bar at midnight
and everybody's had shots except you.

663
00:34:49,254 --> 00:34:50,255
Yeah.

664
00:34:50,339 --> 00:34:55,219
"Well, look what the cat dragged in
with a little opinion about nothing."

665
00:34:59,264 --> 00:35:04,019
And I've tweeted about everything
and never really got any backlash,

666
00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:08,106
except, it was shocking... sports.

667
00:35:08,190 --> 00:35:09,149
Who would think?

668
00:35:09,233 --> 00:35:10,734
You'd think it'd be politics or...
nope, nope, nope, nope.

669
00:35:10,818 --> 00:35:11,985
Just sports.

670
00:35:12,069 --> 00:35:15,322
One day, I just tweeted out,
because I'm from St. Louis,

671
00:35:15,405 --> 00:35:19,076
I tweeted out, "Go Cards."
That's all I wrote.

672
00:35:19,159 --> 00:35:21,245
"Shut your whore, bitch mouth."

673
00:35:21,328 --> 00:35:24,540
Hold on. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

674
00:35:27,835 --> 00:35:29,920
That was uncalled for, okay?

675
00:35:30,796 --> 00:35:32,756
I didn't type, "Fuck the Cubs," did I?

676
00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:37,678
No. I typed, "Go Cards."
That's all I said.

677
00:35:39,847 --> 00:35:42,683
So I don't tweet about sports anymore.

678
00:35:44,726 --> 00:35:48,230
Facebook, I don't love it.
I have it for work.

679
00:35:48,313 --> 00:35:50,148
But I don't like Mark Zuckerberg,

680
00:35:50,232 --> 00:35:52,776
yeah, because I feel like
he stole all of our information.

681
00:35:52,860 --> 00:35:55,404
He sold it 17 times around the globe
to Sunday

682
00:35:55,487 --> 00:35:57,531
and he never really paid
a price for that.

683
00:35:57,614 --> 00:35:58,949
- Right.
- [APPLAUSE]

684
00:35:59,032 --> 00:36:03,704
And sadly, last summer,
we had him in front of a senate committee,

685
00:36:03,787 --> 00:36:07,916
but the people asking the questions
were so old.

686
00:36:10,502 --> 00:36:14,798
I truly think they were just excited
to meet him. I do.

687
00:36:14,882 --> 00:36:18,010
"Well, hello there, Mr. Zuckerberg.

688
00:36:18,093 --> 00:36:21,263
I joined the Facebook on a Sunday morning.

689
00:36:22,431 --> 00:36:27,102
Super happy you're here because,
coincidentally, I forgot my password.

690
00:36:30,314 --> 00:36:34,818
It used to be 1234
then the wife said that was too easy.

691
00:36:34,902 --> 00:36:36,737
And I changed it but I don't remember.

692
00:36:36,820 --> 00:36:40,073
So I was hoping at the break you could
help me retrieve the said password.

693
00:36:43,327 --> 00:36:45,495
My parents like it, but they're 80."

694
00:36:45,579 --> 00:36:47,789
They get up in the morning,
they drink coffee,

695
00:36:47,873 --> 00:36:52,419
and then they troll the entire family,
every second cousin, third cousin,

696
00:36:52,502 --> 00:36:55,130
people we lived by when I was five.

697
00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:56,798
That's their morning entertainment.

698
00:36:56,882 --> 00:36:59,092
That's what I told my teenage nieces
and nephews,

699
00:36:59,176 --> 00:37:02,137
I'm like, "Uh, heads up,
if I were you guys,

700
00:37:02,220 --> 00:37:05,015
I would not friend Grandpa,

701
00:37:06,767 --> 00:37:08,393
or Grandma for that matter.

702
00:37:08,477 --> 00:37:11,396
They look innocent and they seem nice,
but they're spies.

703
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,106
That's what they are.
They're flat-out spies.

704
00:37:13,190 --> 00:37:15,442
They're gonna go through your whole feed

705
00:37:15,525 --> 00:37:17,736
and they're gonna read everything
and then they're gonna tell your parents

706
00:37:17,819 --> 00:37:20,989
who are too busy for that shit
and report back."

707
00:37:21,073 --> 00:37:24,785
Well, one nephew goes,
"Well, I already friended Grandpa."

708
00:37:24,868 --> 00:37:29,081
I go, "Well, I would unfriend Grandpa."

709
00:37:29,164 --> 00:37:32,334
And he goes, "Well, I think
it would hurt his feelings."

710
00:37:32,417 --> 00:37:37,297
I said, "Well, if he were to notice,
which he will not, just tell him it broke.

711
00:37:43,136 --> 00:37:46,223
There will be no further questions,

712
00:37:46,306 --> 00:37:47,724
because they'll accept that."

713
00:37:47,808 --> 00:37:50,394
"Huh. All right. It broke."

714
00:37:54,356 --> 00:37:56,775
Both of our... both of our parents
just turned 80.

715
00:37:56,858 --> 00:37:58,485
And I go, "You know what? You're the age.

716
00:37:58,568 --> 00:38:01,905
You're the exact age, as a matter of fact,
of people that are running this country."

717
00:38:01,989 --> 00:38:04,324
I said, "Honestly, do you think
you could be the president?"

718
00:38:04,408 --> 00:38:08,537
And my dad goes,
"Uh, do you mean individually?"

719
00:38:11,873 --> 00:38:13,250
I said, "As compared to what?"

720
00:38:13,333 --> 00:38:17,212
He goes, "As a couple.
Could we do it as a couple?"

721
00:38:18,964 --> 00:38:20,173
I go, "What?"

722
00:38:20,257 --> 00:38:23,218
"Well, you know, like, some days,
I don't remember anything,

723
00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:25,095
but your mom will remember
all kinds of stuff.

724
00:38:25,178 --> 00:38:28,306
It's weird. And in other days,
she won't remember shit."

725
00:38:28,390 --> 00:38:30,684
And I'm like, "I got you. I got it."

726
00:38:32,853 --> 00:38:35,772
"Together, we're probably about 68."

727
00:38:37,899 --> 00:38:41,486
He said. But individually,
Christ, no, Kathleen, we can't.

728
00:38:41,570 --> 00:38:43,822
I don't even know where the car is at."

729
00:38:48,243 --> 00:38:52,581
I think the cutoff should be 70 or 75.

730
00:38:52,664 --> 00:38:54,082
That's fair enough, right?

731
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:58,670
If you have to be a minimum age,
there should be a maximum age.

732
00:38:59,504 --> 00:39:04,634
Like it... because I've seen the difference
in my parents between, say, 70 and 80.

733
00:39:04,718 --> 00:39:07,345
Like 70, everything was pretty much
all right, I'd say.

734
00:39:07,429 --> 00:39:11,725
Eighty, oh, now, whenever I see them,

735
00:39:11,808 --> 00:39:14,519
they're completely covered in Band Aids.

736
00:39:14,603 --> 00:39:15,896
I'm like...

737
00:39:19,900 --> 00:39:22,486
"Wow. What are you guys doing?

738
00:39:22,569 --> 00:39:25,822
Are you, like, stabbing each other
with pencils for fun?"

739
00:39:27,199 --> 00:39:30,160
My dad's like, "No, no, no.

740
00:39:30,243 --> 00:39:32,204
It's the medication we take, Kathleen.

741
00:39:32,287 --> 00:39:35,165
You're barely banging or something,
there's blood shooting everywhere.

742
00:39:35,248 --> 00:39:37,751
It's a problem. It's a problem.

743
00:39:40,670 --> 00:39:43,048
We can't even go to your sister's house
because of that cat.

744
00:39:43,131 --> 00:39:46,510
We'll bleed out over there.
We will bleed out."

745
00:39:50,180 --> 00:39:51,556
He goes, "Look at these scratch marks.

746
00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:53,391
These are three weeks old, Kathleen.

747
00:39:53,475 --> 00:39:55,102
They... we don't heal anymore either.

748
00:39:55,185 --> 00:39:57,145
That's a new thing.

749
00:39:57,229 --> 00:39:59,231
We don't heal."

750
00:39:59,314 --> 00:40:01,900
And I looked and I go,
"Oh, my God. Let me go get the new skin."

751
00:40:01,983 --> 00:40:03,527
"It won't work. We tried it.

752
00:40:03,610 --> 00:40:06,696
Here's the problem with new skin,
it turns out your skin,

753
00:40:06,780 --> 00:40:10,367
you have to have enough skin
to connect with that other skin

754
00:40:10,450 --> 00:40:12,160
and we're running out of skin.

755
00:40:12,244 --> 00:40:14,913
I don't know what comes after this."

756
00:40:14,996 --> 00:40:20,335
[LAUGHTER]

757
00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:26,091
At 80, there's so many health problems
that, like, nothing's alarming anymore.

758
00:40:26,174 --> 00:40:29,261
It's like, oh, okay. I called.

759
00:40:29,344 --> 00:40:31,847
They were in Florida and I said,
"Hey, what are you guys doing?"

760
00:40:31,930 --> 00:40:33,515
My mom goes,
"Well, we're going to the hospital

761
00:40:33,598 --> 00:40:36,226
because your dad thinks he might
be having another heart attack."

762
00:40:37,519 --> 00:40:38,770
I said, "Oh, shit."

763
00:40:38,854 --> 00:40:41,898
I go, "Well, let me talk to him."
She goes, "Well, no, he's driving."

764
00:40:41,982 --> 00:40:46,027
[LAUGHTER]

765
00:40:50,740 --> 00:40:52,826
I go, "Seriously, Mom?"

766
00:40:53,702 --> 00:40:56,580
"I know it's crazy, Kathleen,
but he said if I drive,

767
00:40:56,663 --> 00:40:58,540
he sure will have a heart attack.

768
00:41:00,959 --> 00:41:04,921
And right now, it could be indigestion.
We ate spicy food last night."

769
00:41:08,758 --> 00:41:14,389
I don't love calling there
'cause he has his hearing aids.

770
00:41:14,472 --> 00:41:17,017
And if you call somebody
with hearing aids on his cell phone,

771
00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:19,728
this is all you're probably
gonna hear on your end...

772
00:41:19,811 --> 00:41:24,065
"Eeeeeee..."

773
00:41:24,149 --> 00:41:26,610
and they don't hear you going, "Hello?"

774
00:41:26,693 --> 00:41:28,361
They don't hear it

775
00:41:28,445 --> 00:41:30,322
because the stupidest system
I've ever heard of,

776
00:41:30,405 --> 00:41:32,866
the hearing aid company decided

777
00:41:32,949 --> 00:41:36,119
that when a hearing aid battery
is going even slightly low,

778
00:41:36,203 --> 00:41:38,288
they decided the good idea

779
00:41:38,371 --> 00:41:42,250
would be to have the hearing aid
make a noise

780
00:41:42,334 --> 00:41:45,295
to alert the hard-of-hearing person,

781
00:41:47,589 --> 00:41:48,924
which they don't hear.

782
00:41:49,007 --> 00:41:50,425
Everyone else hears it.

783
00:41:50,508 --> 00:41:53,553
Dogs in the neighborhood are going all...
[MIMICS DARK BARKING]

784
00:41:53,637 --> 00:41:56,223
What's that?" [MIMICS DARK BARK]

785
00:41:56,306 --> 00:41:57,849
Like, what a dumbass system.

786
00:41:57,933 --> 00:42:00,185
Like when the hearing aid
is about to go dead,

787
00:42:00,268 --> 00:42:02,437
that thing should start vibrating
in his ear

788
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:06,274
and then fly around the house
like that ball in <i>Harry Potter</i>

789
00:42:06,358 --> 00:42:10,278
till he grabs it out of the air.

790
00:42:13,782 --> 00:42:16,451
And then when they get older,
there's less to talk about

791
00:42:16,534 --> 00:42:18,161
because they do less, you know.

792
00:42:18,245 --> 00:42:22,249
So when I call, that's fine,
but like they golf.

793
00:42:22,332 --> 00:42:23,541
They like to golf.

794
00:42:23,625 --> 00:42:25,752
So if I ask my dad, how was golf,

795
00:42:25,835 --> 00:42:27,629
oh, 45-minute answer.

796
00:42:27,712 --> 00:42:29,756
I don't know if that's a dude thing.

797
00:42:29,839 --> 00:42:32,676
He will go through every hole,
every club, every putt,

798
00:42:32,759 --> 00:42:35,679
how he was in the woods
versus my mom, nope.

799
00:42:35,762 --> 00:42:37,055
"Mom, how was golf?"

800
00:42:37,138 --> 00:42:38,682
"I saw a fox."

801
00:42:40,225 --> 00:42:43,019
Yes. Thank you.
That's what I'm looking for.

802
00:42:43,103 --> 00:42:47,023
Short, concise, interesting, animal-based.

803
00:42:47,107 --> 00:42:48,775
Jesus Christ.

804
00:42:49,859 --> 00:42:54,239
She has an iPhone because
I bought it and I sincerely wish I hadn't

805
00:42:54,322 --> 00:42:57,117
because now,
every time it breaks, she calls me.

806
00:42:57,200 --> 00:42:59,953
She's like, "Kathleen, that iPhone
you bought me broke again

807
00:43:00,036 --> 00:43:01,579
so I took it to Walmart."

808
00:43:03,915 --> 00:43:08,378
Random. "We didn't buy it at Walmart,
but whatever, Mom.

809
00:43:08,461 --> 00:43:10,839
You're 80.
Take all your broken shit into Walmart.

810
00:43:10,922 --> 00:43:13,925
Just throw it on the ground.
Start crying. Maybe somebody will fix it.

811
00:43:14,009 --> 00:43:15,635
Maybe you'll be arrested, whatever.

812
00:43:15,719 --> 00:43:17,929
You got to nothing else going on.

813
00:43:18,013 --> 00:43:19,431
Do it."

814
00:43:19,514 --> 00:43:22,142
She said, "No, they won't.
They won't help you.

815
00:43:22,225 --> 00:43:24,227
I went back to that phone counter

816
00:43:24,311 --> 00:43:27,063
and there was a young guy working there
and he asked me a question.

817
00:43:27,147 --> 00:43:28,815
I answered it,
and then he started laughing.

818
00:43:28,898 --> 00:43:30,984
And then another kid came out,
I asked the same question.

819
00:43:31,067 --> 00:43:32,527
And this went on
through three people,

820
00:43:32,610 --> 00:43:35,572
Kathleen." I said,
"Well, what was the question?"

821
00:43:35,655 --> 00:43:38,074
She said, "Well, he kept saying,
who is your provider?

822
00:43:38,158 --> 00:43:40,076
And I kept saying, my daughter."

823
00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:44,080
[LAUGHTER]

824
00:43:44,164 --> 00:43:45,498
No.

825
00:43:49,002 --> 00:43:51,796
I am not... I'm not your provider,
but I'm, like, your... your supplier.

826
00:43:51,880 --> 00:43:54,883
Like a drug deal,
I gave you the supply."

827
00:43:55,925 --> 00:43:58,511
She goes, "Well,
who's our provider as of right now?"

828
00:43:58,595 --> 00:44:04,476
I said, "Our provider is Sprint
because we don't care about service."

829
00:44:07,771 --> 00:44:09,689
Sprint is so shilly.

830
00:44:09,773 --> 00:44:14,152
But I don't care because some days,
I don't like getting calls, you know.

831
00:44:15,653 --> 00:44:19,240
Let the Lord decide
who's getting through. I'll...

832
00:44:21,076 --> 00:44:23,453
I'm involved
in a cricket match in Mumbai.

833
00:44:23,536 --> 00:44:25,121
I don't have that kind of time.

834
00:44:26,748 --> 00:44:28,333
Sprint is so strange, though.

835
00:44:28,416 --> 00:44:31,127
I think I've... I think I stay
because I'm curious

836
00:44:31,211 --> 00:44:36,174
because, like, it doesn't work in places
where it should work like here or Chicago,

837
00:44:36,257 --> 00:44:39,010
you know, cities, like,
it doesn't really work.

838
00:44:39,094 --> 00:44:42,305
But then out of nowhere,
it'll work in some random ass place.

839
00:44:42,389 --> 00:44:44,474
That's why I like
if you're gonna go out drinking,

840
00:44:44,557 --> 00:44:47,227
and you think things might get crazy
and maybe go off the rails,

841
00:44:47,310 --> 00:44:50,397
you should make sure
somebody in your group has Sprint

842
00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:53,108
because like if we got
completely shitfaced tonight

843
00:44:53,191 --> 00:44:56,945
and ended up in one of El Chapo's tunnels,
and people were like,

844
00:44:57,028 --> 00:44:59,447
"Oh, my God. Well, how can we get out?
Our phones won't work."

845
00:44:59,531 --> 00:45:03,493
Oh, yeah, bitches.

846
00:45:03,576 --> 00:45:06,371
Who's got four bars? Sprint does.

847
00:45:07,247 --> 00:45:08,581
That's right.

848
00:45:09,999 --> 00:45:12,335
[LAUGHS]

849
00:45:12,419 --> 00:45:14,963
It's never even truly bothered me,

850
00:45:15,046 --> 00:45:17,882
except one time I flew to South Dakota

851
00:45:17,966 --> 00:45:23,596
and my plan was I'm gonna get off
the plane and Uber to this casino deal.

852
00:45:23,680 --> 00:45:25,932
Well, when I landed, my phone
was just going... [MIMICS ERROR TONE]

853
00:45:26,015 --> 00:45:27,934
like a tornado warning or something crazy.

854
00:45:28,017 --> 00:45:29,436
And then it started blinking.

855
00:45:29,519 --> 00:45:31,855
I've never seen anything happen
before like that.

856
00:45:31,938 --> 00:45:36,025
"You are now internationally roaming."

857
00:45:37,318 --> 00:45:39,362
Oh, Sprint.

858
00:45:40,572 --> 00:45:42,449
I'm in South Dakota.

859
00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:46,411
There's another one on top of it.

860
00:45:49,205 --> 00:45:52,292
I'm not even near a border, you morons.

861
00:45:53,460 --> 00:45:55,920
But then I was curious to see
if they had Uber,

862
00:45:56,004 --> 00:45:57,881
and there's nobody in the airport.
It's small.

863
00:45:57,964 --> 00:46:00,884
It's pretty much empty,
but there's an old lady in a card table

864
00:46:00,967 --> 00:46:02,469
that just says "information."

865
00:46:02,552 --> 00:46:04,596
And she's doing the crossword puzzle
and I walked out.

866
00:46:04,679 --> 00:46:06,598
But I was very respectful and polite.

867
00:46:06,681 --> 00:46:08,892
I go, "Excuse me, ma'am.
I was just curious.

868
00:46:08,975 --> 00:46:10,768
Do you guys have Uber here?"

869
00:46:10,852 --> 00:46:12,854
She'd never stop doing
the crossword puzzle.

870
00:46:12,937 --> 00:46:15,815
She goes, "I don't know anyone
by the name of Uber.

871
00:46:17,150 --> 00:46:21,488
But if you need a ride,
I can have Darryl come get you."

872
00:46:24,491 --> 00:46:29,245
No. 'Cause when she said "get,"
I heard "take." I'm like, "No.

873
00:46:29,329 --> 00:46:31,915
I'm not getting
in the car with Darryl."

874
00:46:32,832 --> 00:46:34,751
So, then I thought,
"Well, I'll just rent a car.

875
00:46:34,834 --> 00:46:36,211
The phone ain't working anyway."

876
00:46:36,294 --> 00:46:38,338
And I rent from Avis and I love Avis.

877
00:46:38,421 --> 00:46:41,549
And here's why, 'cause if you rent
a lot of times from Avis,

878
00:46:41,633 --> 00:46:43,635
you get in their frequent renter club.

879
00:46:43,718 --> 00:46:46,471
And their frequent renter club
is the Wizard Club.

880
00:46:46,554 --> 00:46:48,139
So, you become a wizard, right?

881
00:46:48,223 --> 00:46:52,560
And they send you a card in the mail,
like, mine said Wizard Madigan.

882
00:46:52,644 --> 00:46:56,481
And I... you would not think that
that would excite me at this age,

883
00:46:56,564 --> 00:46:58,358
but it was so awesome.

884
00:46:59,150 --> 00:47:01,486
I was so excited.
And then the greatest part is,

885
00:47:01,569 --> 00:47:03,947
like, if you're in a bigger city
where they have the shuttle,

886
00:47:04,030 --> 00:47:05,406
when the Avis shuttle pulls up,

887
00:47:05,490 --> 00:47:08,785
a full-grown adult has to look at me,

888
00:47:08,868 --> 00:47:11,246
another full-grown adult
and without laughing...

889
00:47:12,455 --> 00:47:14,791
say, "Are you a wizard?"

890
00:47:14,874 --> 00:47:16,125
[BLOWS RASPBERRIES]

891
00:47:17,877 --> 00:47:20,380
God damn right I'm a wizard.

892
00:47:20,463 --> 00:47:21,631
Come on.

893
00:47:24,676 --> 00:47:27,220
Just once before I quit the road,

894
00:47:27,303 --> 00:47:30,890
I wanna get dressed up
from head to toe as a wizard.

895
00:47:30,974 --> 00:47:34,686
And I don't wanna wait
at the Avis shuttle spot and I...

896
00:47:34,769 --> 00:47:36,354
I don't wanna have luggage or nothing.

897
00:47:36,437 --> 00:47:39,857
I wanna have one of those scepter sticks
with the ball on the end.

898
00:47:41,401 --> 00:47:43,319
And then when the driver pulls up,
he goes, "Are you a wizard?"

899
00:47:43,403 --> 00:47:45,363
I wanna go, "Ahh!"

900
00:47:48,241 --> 00:47:50,493
'cause at best, I'm a crazy lady.

901
00:47:50,577 --> 00:47:53,788
At worst, I'm a real wizard
and I just did something horrible.

902
00:47:58,960 --> 00:48:02,797
My parents go to Florida in the winter
'cause it's warmer than Missouri.

903
00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:05,216
That's where I'm from,
the State of Missouri.

904
00:48:06,259 --> 00:48:08,886
Oh, that was such
a smattering polite applause.

905
00:48:08,970 --> 00:48:11,055
I know people don't know how to react.

906
00:48:11,139 --> 00:48:12,932
It's okay.

907
00:48:13,016 --> 00:48:14,934
It's in the middle.

908
00:48:15,018 --> 00:48:18,229
At least you guys have an idea
of where it's at, in Colorado.

909
00:48:18,313 --> 00:48:19,897
But like the Coast?

910
00:48:19,981 --> 00:48:22,317
No. I was in California. It's a bar.

911
00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:24,068
The girl says,
"I'm gonna need to see your license."

912
00:48:24,152 --> 00:48:27,864
I gave it to her. She goes,
"Missouri. Is that by Minnesota?"

913
00:48:29,198 --> 00:48:30,366
I said, "It is.

914
00:48:30,450 --> 00:48:33,411
In the '80s,
we moved all the M's together

915
00:48:35,079 --> 00:48:38,666
so they could be in the middle
for the M, you know.

916
00:48:38,750 --> 00:48:43,129
Like, we moved Montana over and then
that kicked Iowa even further by the "I's"

917
00:48:43,212 --> 00:48:45,423
like Illinois and Indiana."

918
00:48:47,759 --> 00:48:49,302
And she just went, "Oh."

919
00:48:49,385 --> 00:48:52,305
And walked away. I went,
"Oh, my God. I think she believed me."

920
00:48:52,388 --> 00:48:54,140
That's not true.
Don't tell your friends that.

921
00:48:54,223 --> 00:48:55,475
That is not true.

922
00:48:57,644 --> 00:49:00,897
I grew up in St. Louis
and I grew up a lot in the Ozarks.

923
00:49:00,980 --> 00:49:04,317
And lately, there have been
a lot of shows about the Ozarks.

924
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:06,027
And my mom is so upset.

925
00:49:06,110 --> 00:49:09,030
She's like, "Have you seen
these shows about the Ozarks?"

926
00:49:09,113 --> 00:49:10,740
'Cause they live their full-time
in Florida."

927
00:49:10,823 --> 00:49:13,368
And she's like, "I just find it awful.

928
00:49:13,451 --> 00:49:15,370
They're making us look like hillbillies.

929
00:49:15,453 --> 00:49:17,955
And, Kathleen, we have a Panera now."

930
00:49:18,039 --> 00:49:21,459
[LAUGHTER]

931
00:49:23,461 --> 00:49:24,921
It's getting more modern,

932
00:49:25,004 --> 00:49:28,049
but that hillbilly thing
is still definitely there.

933
00:49:28,132 --> 00:49:30,718
Last Christmas Eve,
me and my brother, I said,

934
00:49:30,802 --> 00:49:33,429
"Before we go back to Mom and Dad's,
let's just stop and get a beer."

935
00:49:33,513 --> 00:49:37,350
And we went to some back ass
Ozark hillbilly bar and we walked in.

936
00:49:37,433 --> 00:49:39,060
We're the only two people. Great.

937
00:49:39,143 --> 00:49:42,146
But a guy comes in,
and Missouri is an open-carry state.

938
00:49:42,230 --> 00:49:43,731
That used to mean liquor.

939
00:49:43,815 --> 00:49:47,819
Now it just means any weapon you can find
on the Internet, like a cannon.

940
00:49:47,902 --> 00:49:51,614
Bring it. Fuck it. Nobody cares.
Bow and arrow, you're good.

941
00:49:51,698 --> 00:49:54,325
No problem. Guns, it doesn't matter.
It's just a free for all.

942
00:49:54,409 --> 00:49:56,828
But this guy walked in
with a gun on each hip

943
00:49:56,911 --> 00:49:58,371
and he sat down on the barstool

944
00:49:58,454 --> 00:50:01,457
and he ordered three Bud Lights
and three shots of Fireball.

945
00:50:01,541 --> 00:50:03,710
Yeah. He's alone, right?

946
00:50:03,793 --> 00:50:05,753
So, he's here. I'm here.
My brother's here.

947
00:50:05,837 --> 00:50:08,047
So, I moved from this bar stool

948
00:50:08,131 --> 00:50:10,133
around to this side,

949
00:50:10,216 --> 00:50:13,177
putting my brother in the line of fire
in the event

950
00:50:13,886 --> 00:50:15,430
that hillbilly hell

951
00:50:15,513 --> 00:50:18,683
decides to shoot a gun tonight
for fun or some shit.

952
00:50:18,766 --> 00:50:20,560
But I knew he'd see me do it

953
00:50:20,643 --> 00:50:22,562
and I knew it might cost a thing.

954
00:50:22,645 --> 00:50:24,021
And he looked at me and he goes,

955
00:50:24,105 --> 00:50:25,523
"You scared of this?"

956
00:50:25,606 --> 00:50:27,900
And I knew he meant the guns.
Well, I go, "No.

957
00:50:27,984 --> 00:50:29,569
I'm not scared of Bud Light.

958
00:50:29,652 --> 00:50:32,655
That's crazy talk."

959
00:50:32,739 --> 00:50:34,991
I said, "I'm not scared
of your Fireball either.

960
00:50:35,074 --> 00:50:36,534
I love Fireball every now and then.

961
00:50:36,617 --> 00:50:38,661
And I'm not even scared of your guns.

962
00:50:38,745 --> 00:50:40,621
But altogether,

963
00:50:40,705 --> 00:50:42,457
[CROWD LAUGHS]

964
00:50:42,540 --> 00:50:44,876
I find it a little concerning."

965
00:50:46,377 --> 00:50:48,254
And then he said, "So,

966
00:50:48,337 --> 00:50:50,840
you don't believe in the Second Amendment?

967
00:50:51,674 --> 00:50:54,260
Well, now before you answer that question,

968
00:50:54,343 --> 00:50:56,095
you have to think about it
'cause it's gonna deem

969
00:50:56,179 --> 00:50:58,473
how the rest of your night's gonna go.

970
00:50:58,556 --> 00:51:01,559
And I had already ordered nachos, right?"

971
00:51:01,642 --> 00:51:04,896
[CROWD LAUGHS]

972
00:51:04,979 --> 00:51:08,441
So, I said, "I will only discuss
the Second Amendment

973
00:51:08,524 --> 00:51:10,735
if you could name another amendment."

974
00:51:10,818 --> 00:51:13,362
[CROWD LAUGHS]

975
00:51:13,446 --> 00:51:16,407
[CROWD CHEERING]

976
00:51:16,491 --> 00:51:18,117
[CHUCKLES]

977
00:51:20,203 --> 00:51:22,497
And that's when my brother got mad at me.

978
00:51:22,580 --> 00:51:23,664
He's like, "Goddammit.

979
00:51:23,748 --> 00:51:25,750
Can you ever just
keep your mouth shut, Kathleen?

980
00:51:25,833 --> 00:51:27,919
We were having a nice time.

981
00:51:28,002 --> 00:51:29,587
Is this where you wanna die? Is it?

982
00:51:29,670 --> 00:51:31,672
You wanna die at the drunken catfish?

983
00:51:31,756 --> 00:51:35,051
'Cause this is what's gonna happen
when you mouth off off like that."

984
00:51:35,927 --> 00:51:37,845
I said, "Patrick,
you're getting way too upset.

985
00:51:37,929 --> 00:51:39,806
He didn't even understand my joke.

986
00:51:39,889 --> 00:51:42,225
Like, some jokes are just for me.

987
00:51:42,308 --> 00:51:44,602
He shot his Fireball and smiled.
We're good.

988
00:51:44,685 --> 00:51:46,938
Everything is good. Everything is fine."

989
00:51:47,021 --> 00:51:49,899
[CROWD LAUGHS]

990
00:51:49,982 --> 00:51:52,276
It gets too cold for my mom
and dad there, though.

991
00:51:52,360 --> 00:51:54,111
It doesn't get as cold
as when I was a kid.

992
00:51:54,195 --> 00:51:55,279
I mean, something's happening.

993
00:51:55,363 --> 00:51:57,156
I don't know what with the weather.

994
00:51:57,240 --> 00:51:59,700
But, like, when I was in fifth grade,

995
00:51:59,784 --> 00:52:02,495
that year we had 57 snow days.

996
00:52:03,079 --> 00:52:05,164
Yup, 57.

997
00:52:05,248 --> 00:52:07,124
And we never made them up.

998
00:52:07,208 --> 00:52:09,460
[CROWD LAUGHS]

999
00:52:09,544 --> 00:52:11,420
Nope. The nun said, "Fuck it.

1000
00:52:11,504 --> 00:52:14,382
School is over on May 26th.

1001
00:52:14,882 --> 00:52:18,886
And don't even think about bringing
those little rat bastards back around here

1002
00:52:19,720 --> 00:52:21,764
because this convent's got a float trip

1003
00:52:21,848 --> 00:52:25,810
down the Merrimack scheduled
and we're going."

1004
00:52:25,893 --> 00:52:27,937
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1005
00:52:28,020 --> 00:52:31,023
That's why, like, when my friends
with grade school kids

1006
00:52:31,107 --> 00:52:33,651
or my younger siblings
that have grade school kids during COVID,

1007
00:52:33,734 --> 00:52:36,863
when it was an online homeschooling,
they were all just unraveling.

1008
00:52:36,946 --> 00:52:38,865
One phone call was worse than the next.

1009
00:52:38,948 --> 00:52:41,158
"This is ridiculous.

1010
00:52:41,242 --> 00:52:45,204
I don't even know how to do
sixth grade math anymore.

1011
00:52:45,288 --> 00:52:48,374
Science, I never understood to begin with.

1012
00:52:48,457 --> 00:52:50,585
I'm drinking margaritas at 9:00 in the
morning

1013
00:52:50,668 --> 00:52:52,670
so I don't kill people in this house."

1014
00:52:52,753 --> 00:52:55,965
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1015
00:52:56,048 --> 00:52:58,092
At one point, I told my younger sister,

1016
00:52:58,175 --> 00:52:59,927
I go, "Just don't do it."

1017
00:53:00,428 --> 00:53:02,638
She goes, "What?"

1018
00:53:02,722 --> 00:53:05,391
I go, "Just don't do it.
It doesn't matter.

1019
00:53:05,474 --> 00:53:10,271
I missed 57 days of fifth grade.

1020
00:53:10,354 --> 00:53:12,857
And so far in my life,

1021
00:53:12,940 --> 00:53:14,025
it's never come up."

1022
00:53:14,108 --> 00:53:17,320
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1023
00:53:17,403 --> 00:53:20,823
I've never been in a bar
where somebody said something

1024
00:53:20,907 --> 00:53:22,992
and I was the only one shocked,

1025
00:53:23,075 --> 00:53:24,327
like, "What?"

1026
00:53:24,410 --> 00:53:26,037
We had a Civil War?

1027
00:53:26,120 --> 00:53:29,123
Shut up. I never heard about that.
Maybe..."

1028
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:32,209
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1029
00:53:33,419 --> 00:53:36,756
My parents like Florida.
I don't really, totally get it.

1030
00:53:36,839 --> 00:53:39,300
They leave the day after Christmas

1031
00:53:39,383 --> 00:53:41,052
and then they come back on Easter.

1032
00:53:41,135 --> 00:53:44,680
Like Jesus,
they rise from the State of Florida

1033
00:53:44,764 --> 00:53:47,016
back to my brother's backyard in Missouri.

1034
00:53:47,099 --> 00:53:49,602
They just reappear.
I'm like, "Wow, you're back.

1035
00:53:49,685 --> 00:53:51,395
And there's still two of you. Well done.

1036
00:53:51,479 --> 00:53:53,397
I don't know what you're doing down there,

1037
00:53:53,481 --> 00:53:55,608
but you look wonderful."

1038
00:53:56,525 --> 00:53:58,986
There... there's a lot of drinking
going on down there

1039
00:53:59,070 --> 00:54:01,280
with the old people
in the retirement places.

1040
00:54:01,364 --> 00:54:03,950
Like, my mom goes,
"I want you to go to my golf league

1041
00:54:04,033 --> 00:54:05,117
and meet my friends."

1042
00:54:05,201 --> 00:54:08,037
I said, "Okay.
What time do we tee-off, 8:00?

1043
00:54:08,120 --> 00:54:10,206
But I like to get there at 6:00."

1044
00:54:11,165 --> 00:54:11,999
What?

1045
00:54:12,083 --> 00:54:13,250
I said, "No, Mom.

1046
00:54:13,334 --> 00:54:14,961
7:00." I'll go. "All right. Fine."

1047
00:54:15,044 --> 00:54:16,629
So, we go at 7:00.

1048
00:54:16,712 --> 00:54:17,964
I meet all of her friends.

1049
00:54:18,047 --> 00:54:20,257
I get in the golf cart at 7:40 AM.

1050
00:54:20,341 --> 00:54:22,760
I go, "Mom, your friends are a lot of fun,

1051
00:54:22,843 --> 00:54:26,764
but what exactly is wrong
with that lady, Marybeth?"

1052
00:54:26,847 --> 00:54:29,058
She goes, "Oh, well, she's hammered."

1053
00:54:29,141 --> 00:54:32,144
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1054
00:54:35,815 --> 00:54:39,694
I said, "Dear Mom,
it is 7:40 in the morning."

1055
00:54:39,777 --> 00:54:42,989
She goes, "Well, we don't have
a relationship with time

1056
00:54:43,072 --> 00:54:45,533
anymore, Kathleen.

1057
00:54:45,616 --> 00:54:47,660
We don't really live within time.

1058
00:54:47,743 --> 00:54:48,869
We're like out of time.

1059
00:54:48,953 --> 00:54:50,371
We're in a different dimension

1060
00:54:50,454 --> 00:54:53,124
than you people that are in real time."

1061
00:54:53,207 --> 00:54:56,544
She goes, "You know, I mean,
some days we wake up at 3:00.

1062
00:54:56,627 --> 00:54:59,797
Some days 6:00.
I mean, today, I've already had lasagna."

1063
00:54:59,880 --> 00:55:02,883
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1064
00:55:05,553 --> 00:55:06,971
Oh, my God.

1065
00:55:07,054 --> 00:55:09,974
I'll tell you what, though, if you ever
think you have a drinking problem,

1066
00:55:10,057 --> 00:55:12,018
go down to Florida and hang out
with those old people

1067
00:55:12,101 --> 00:55:15,021
'cause they will do stuff for you,
like, "Whoa.

1068
00:55:15,104 --> 00:55:17,273
Hey, Jameson and toast?"

1069
00:55:17,356 --> 00:55:20,735
Like, I've never even thought about that.

1070
00:55:20,818 --> 00:55:22,611
I'm fine. Like, I'm fine.

1071
00:55:22,695 --> 00:55:25,406
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1072
00:55:25,489 --> 00:55:27,992
I never truly have ever thought

1073
00:55:28,075 --> 00:55:30,703
I had a drinking problem
till about three years ago.

1074
00:55:30,786 --> 00:55:33,622
I was in Nash... I flew in Nashville
and I rented a car

1075
00:55:33,706 --> 00:55:35,916
and my friend goes,
"Oh, people are coming over.

1076
00:55:36,000 --> 00:55:38,586
Can you stop and get some wine?"

1077
00:55:38,669 --> 00:55:41,672
I said, "Sure." I don't know
the liquor laws in every state.

1078
00:55:41,756 --> 00:55:43,132
So, I go into a grocery store

1079
00:55:43,215 --> 00:55:45,051
and I get a bottle of red,
a bottle of white,

1080
00:55:45,134 --> 00:55:47,845
sat them down.
The lady looks at me with complete disdain

1081
00:55:47,928 --> 00:55:51,599
and she goes,
"Ma'am, those are not for sale."

1082
00:55:53,559 --> 00:55:56,937
I said, "Well,
I don't wanna freak anybody out,

1083
00:55:57,021 --> 00:55:59,231
but there's a whole aisle of them."

1084
00:55:59,315 --> 00:56:01,400
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1085
00:56:01,484 --> 00:56:03,027
And they have price tags on them.

1086
00:56:03,110 --> 00:56:05,404
That front door is open
and that cash register is on.

1087
00:56:05,488 --> 00:56:07,239
So, to somebody
who ain't from around here,

1088
00:56:07,323 --> 00:56:11,994
this whole situation implies
that a sale's going down.

1089
00:56:12,078 --> 00:56:14,789
And she said, and I quote,

1090
00:56:14,872 --> 00:56:18,584
"Ma'am, Tennessee is a Christian state."

1091
00:56:18,667 --> 00:56:21,587
Now I didn't say nothing right there
'cause I still wanted the wine.

1092
00:56:21,670 --> 00:56:23,839
I thought I was in the game, right?

1093
00:56:23,923 --> 00:56:26,217
I just let that one go.

1094
00:56:26,300 --> 00:56:27,760
It's hard, but I let it go.

1095
00:56:27,843 --> 00:56:31,305
She goes, "And you are not allowed
to buy wine on Sundays."

1096
00:56:31,388 --> 00:56:33,516
Now, I might have been okay
if she just stopped there,

1097
00:56:33,599 --> 00:56:34,683
but she kept going.

1098
00:56:34,767 --> 00:56:37,520
She goes, "But you can buy beer."

1099
00:56:38,270 --> 00:56:39,647
What?

1100
00:56:39,730 --> 00:56:42,608
I go, "Can I ask you something?
And I'm not... I'm not from here.

1101
00:56:42,691 --> 00:56:44,360
I'm not trying to be sarcastic."

1102
00:56:44,443 --> 00:56:45,945
And she goes, "You may."

1103
00:56:46,028 --> 00:56:48,447
I said, "Well,
I'm not from here and I'm catholic,

1104
00:56:48,531 --> 00:56:51,075
so I don't really know anything
about the Bible, but..."

1105
00:56:51,158 --> 00:56:54,161
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1106
00:56:56,288 --> 00:56:59,208
too vague, too long, sorry.
I don't have the time.

1107
00:56:59,291 --> 00:57:02,628
But I do think... I remember a story

1108
00:57:02,711 --> 00:57:05,047
from the Bible about Jesus
turning water into wine.

1109
00:57:05,131 --> 00:57:08,384
And I don't think I have ever heard
a story about Jesus

1110
00:57:08,467 --> 00:57:09,969
turning water into beer.

1111
00:57:10,052 --> 00:57:11,720
So, maybe you can explain to me

1112
00:57:11,804 --> 00:57:13,556
why the Christians in the state
of Tennessee

1113
00:57:13,639 --> 00:57:16,267
will make Jesus a beer guy

1114
00:57:16,809 --> 00:57:18,727
when clearly He was a wine guy.

1115
00:57:18,811 --> 00:57:21,147
Like, that's documented.

1116
00:57:21,230 --> 00:57:23,941
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1117
00:57:24,024 --> 00:57:25,943
Now there's two men behind me.

1118
00:57:26,026 --> 00:57:28,863
A guy and an older guy with overalls on

1119
00:57:28,946 --> 00:57:30,781
and he leaves and the old guy
in the overalls,

1120
00:57:30,865 --> 00:57:35,244
he says to me, "Ma'am,
it's just all about the alcohol content."

1121
00:57:37,538 --> 00:57:40,875
I go, "Right.
But, like, if I drink 20 beers,

1122
00:57:40,958 --> 00:57:42,209
I'd be way more drunk

1123
00:57:42,293 --> 00:57:45,171
than if I just had a glass of wine
with dinner, right?"

1124
00:57:45,254 --> 00:57:47,756
He goes, "Yeah. You're right.

1125
00:57:47,840 --> 00:57:49,049
I didn't even know what I meant.

1126
00:57:49,133 --> 00:57:51,760
I just heard that on the TV
when they were talking about it."

1127
00:57:51,844 --> 00:57:54,597
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1128
00:57:54,680 --> 00:57:58,684
Wow. I'm like, I'm in a circle of stupid
and I started it.

1129
00:57:58,767 --> 00:58:02,730
And now I can't get out.

1130
00:58:04,064 --> 00:58:06,150
Now she's mad at him, too, the old lady.

1131
00:58:06,233 --> 00:58:07,985
She said... we're both in the penalty box.

1132
00:58:08,068 --> 00:58:11,197
And she goes, "I want you both to know

1133
00:58:11,280 --> 00:58:14,325
I don't find any of this humorous."

1134
00:58:14,408 --> 00:58:16,493
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1135
00:58:16,577 --> 00:58:18,537
I said, "Me neither."

1136
00:58:18,621 --> 00:58:20,956
And I left 'cause I got my wine.

1137
00:58:21,040 --> 00:58:23,709
And then as I was walking to the car,
I was getting madder and madder.

1138
00:58:23,792 --> 00:58:24,752
And then I thought, "Wait a minute.

1139
00:58:24,835 --> 00:58:26,670
I'm get... maybe I have a drinking problem.

1140
00:58:26,754 --> 00:58:28,380
I'm getting way too angry

1141
00:58:28,464 --> 00:58:30,216
about two shitty bottles of wine."

1142
00:58:30,299 --> 00:58:32,509
But then I was like, "No.
If I had a drinking problem,

1143
00:58:32,593 --> 00:58:36,305
I'd have bought the beer
'cause a drink is a drink at some level."

1144
00:58:36,388 --> 00:58:39,016
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1145
00:58:39,642 --> 00:58:41,143
I'm on cheat day with alcohol, too.

1146
00:58:41,227 --> 00:58:42,686
Wine, I don't care what kind.

1147
00:58:42,770 --> 00:58:44,813
Boxed wine, fine.
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

1148
00:58:44,897 --> 00:58:46,565
I don't know who's doing their marketing

1149
00:58:46,649 --> 00:58:49,068
but they're not selling
their biggest selling points.

1150
00:58:49,151 --> 00:58:52,738
The two biggest selling points to me
about the boxed wine first and foremost,

1151
00:58:52,821 --> 00:58:54,990
especially if you have judgey neighbors,

1152
00:58:55,074 --> 00:58:57,910
it makes no noise in the trash.

1153
00:58:57,993 --> 00:58:59,536
That's right.

1154
00:58:59,620 --> 00:59:02,748
[CROWD APPLAUDING]

1155
00:59:04,708 --> 00:59:07,169
"What'd you do all weekend?"
"Nothing. It's super quiet."

1156
00:59:07,253 --> 00:59:10,923
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1157
00:59:11,006 --> 00:59:13,842
The other thing is you can always
get into a box of wine.

1158
00:59:13,926 --> 00:59:15,636
I've been given bottles of wine
on the road,

1159
00:59:15,719 --> 00:59:17,930
go back to the hotel.
Shit. No wine opener.

1160
00:59:18,013 --> 00:59:21,058
And then, boom, the cork breaks.
Oh, sad times. No wine.

1161
00:59:21,141 --> 00:59:23,060
That's never gonna happen
with a box of wine.

1162
00:59:23,143 --> 00:59:25,145
'Cause even if that
sprout deal breaks off,

1163
00:59:25,229 --> 00:59:26,480
you can stab it.

1164
00:59:26,563 --> 00:59:27,982
You can stab the box.

1165
00:59:28,065 --> 00:59:30,776
You're getting in if you're determined.

1166
00:59:30,859 --> 00:59:33,320
Even with a pair of tweezers,
you can get in there.

1167
00:59:33,404 --> 00:59:35,698
But hold them tight
'cause sometimes if it hits it,

1168
00:59:35,781 --> 00:59:37,449
it could slide backwards
and cut your hand.

1169
00:59:37,533 --> 00:59:39,618
I'm not gonna tell you
why I would know that,

1170
00:59:39,702 --> 00:59:44,331
but just trust me.

1171
00:59:46,875 --> 00:59:51,422
I do find... some of my friends
know a lot about wine,

1172
00:59:51,505 --> 00:59:55,301
but sometimes I think
they're situationally unaware.

1173
00:59:55,384 --> 00:59:58,637
Like, I took my friend Lou
to a really shitty lake

1174
00:59:58,721 --> 01:00:00,597
dive bar in Tennessee.

1175
01:00:00,681 --> 01:00:04,977
We get in and he goes, "So, Kathleen,
did you have a wine list?"

1176
01:00:05,436 --> 01:00:06,895
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1177
01:00:06,979 --> 01:00:09,273
"Lou, look behind the bar.

1178
01:00:09,356 --> 01:00:10,482
Look on the wall.

1179
01:00:10,566 --> 01:00:12,067
You see what we're looking at?"

1180
01:00:12,151 --> 01:00:14,862
I go, "That's a stuffed squirrel

1181
01:00:15,988 --> 01:00:19,199
playing a tiny banjo, Lou." Yeah.

1182
01:00:20,284 --> 01:00:22,619
It's marvelous.
I don't even know where you find that.

1183
01:00:22,703 --> 01:00:25,789
Do you Google on Amazon
a squirrel tiny banjo? I don't...

1184
01:00:27,791 --> 01:00:30,210
and then the person shellacked that

1185
01:00:30,294 --> 01:00:32,629
and then they nailed that to driftwood

1186
01:00:32,713 --> 01:00:35,466
and then they hung that
as a full piece of art.

1187
01:00:35,549 --> 01:00:36,592
And you know what?

1188
01:00:37,801 --> 01:00:39,511
The guy who did that, Lou,

1189
01:00:39,595 --> 01:00:40,888
does not have a wine list.

1190
01:00:40,971 --> 01:00:45,559
I guarantee you that guy has a bottle

1191
01:00:45,642 --> 01:00:48,395
of Jack Daniels
and a carton of Marlboro Reds.

1192
01:00:48,479 --> 01:00:50,314
And this is his idea of art.

1193
01:00:50,397 --> 01:00:52,232
And I like it."

1194
01:00:52,316 --> 01:00:55,319
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1195
01:00:58,781 --> 01:01:00,908
A lot of people, as they get older,

1196
01:01:00,991 --> 01:01:02,368
they just decide to quit drinking.

1197
01:01:02,451 --> 01:01:05,287
I'm like, "No, I'm not gonna quit."

1198
01:01:05,371 --> 01:01:08,290
I do find, though, the older I get,
there's stuff I won't start

1199
01:01:08,374 --> 01:01:10,459
that I might have when I was young.

1200
01:01:10,542 --> 01:01:12,628
You know, people are...
it's usually physical things.

1201
01:01:12,711 --> 01:01:14,630
"Hey, do you wanna learn how to snow ski?"

1202
01:01:14,713 --> 01:01:18,133
"Um, let me Google the deductibles
on broken legs."

1203
01:01:18,217 --> 01:01:23,097
Oh, no. I'll be at the bar at $16,000."
No.

1204
01:01:24,056 --> 01:01:27,059
I did a corporate gig in Hawaii,
which never happens

1205
01:01:27,142 --> 01:01:28,477
and they were such a nice group.

1206
01:01:28,560 --> 01:01:30,896
They were from Minnesota,
this insurance company,

1207
01:01:30,979 --> 01:01:33,399
and every day, the leader of the group
would call my room

1208
01:01:33,482 --> 01:01:35,526
to see if I wanted to do their activities.

1209
01:01:35,609 --> 01:01:36,860
It was always going,

1210
01:01:36,944 --> 01:01:40,197
"Hey, Kathleen,
that's me, Bob from Minnesota."

1211
01:01:41,907 --> 01:01:45,536
"I know, Bob, you don't have to
keep saying the Minnesota part.

1212
01:01:45,619 --> 01:01:48,080
I got you because it's either you

1213
01:01:48,163 --> 01:01:50,707
or the My Pillow Guy calling my room.

1214
01:01:51,792 --> 01:01:54,002
And I don't know that man."

1215
01:01:54,837 --> 01:01:59,174
He goes, "Well, I just wanted to see
if you wanted to join us for surf camp."

1216
01:02:00,008 --> 01:02:01,969
I said, "Well, I don't have my glasses on,

1217
01:02:02,052 --> 01:02:04,430
but I think it's dark outside right now."

1218
01:02:04,513 --> 01:02:06,932
He goes, "Yeah, it's dark, it's 5:30,

1219
01:02:07,015 --> 01:02:08,600
but the sun comes up at 6:00

1220
01:02:08,684 --> 01:02:11,520
and we're gonna start surf camp at dawn."

1221
01:02:11,603 --> 01:02:13,439
I thought, "Oh, I didn't say it."
[INDISTINCT]

1222
01:02:13,522 --> 01:02:17,818
how fortunate for the sharks that all,

1223
01:02:17,901 --> 01:02:20,195
all of these white walleyes from Minnesota

1224
01:02:20,279 --> 01:02:22,156
are just gonna drop through their ceiling

1225
01:02:22,239 --> 01:02:24,283
right in time for breakfast,

1226
01:02:24,366 --> 01:02:26,452
be like pizza's falling in here tonight.

1227
01:02:26,535 --> 01:02:28,871
We're like, "Oh, my God,
look, a pepperoni.

1228
01:02:28,954 --> 01:02:30,038
This is crazy."

1229
01:02:30,122 --> 01:02:33,000
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1230
01:02:33,083 --> 01:02:35,419
But I didn't say that
because I don't wanna be rude.

1231
01:02:35,502 --> 01:02:38,046
And he goes, "Well, you know,
just in case you are afraid,

1232
01:02:38,130 --> 01:02:40,966
I wanna let you know
now they have foam surfboards.

1233
01:02:41,049 --> 01:02:43,177
So, if it does come back
and hit you in the face,

1234
01:02:43,260 --> 01:02:45,512
it doesn't break all your facial bones."

1235
01:02:45,596 --> 01:02:47,848
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1236
01:02:47,931 --> 01:02:50,601
You're still not selling me all this, Bob,

1237
01:02:50,684 --> 01:02:53,270
because I'll tell you this, Bob
and I wasn't gonna bring it up,

1238
01:02:53,353 --> 01:02:55,689
but since we keep talking about it
on the way over here,

1239
01:02:55,772 --> 01:02:58,233
I did think about snorkeling
and I Googled, uh,

1240
01:02:58,317 --> 01:03:00,402
shark attacks in the water
surrounding Maui.

1241
01:03:00,486 --> 01:03:02,404
And in the last six years or five,

1242
01:03:02,488 --> 01:03:04,031
there's been three fatalities.

1243
01:03:04,114 --> 01:03:06,200
Now, that may not seem like a lot

1244
01:03:06,283 --> 01:03:08,577
compared to the amount of people
that are in the water every day,

1245
01:03:08,660 --> 01:03:12,080
but it is a lot if you
were one of those three

1246
01:03:12,164 --> 01:03:13,999
because that's it.

1247
01:03:14,082 --> 01:03:15,667
The game's over. That's it.

1248
01:03:15,751 --> 01:03:16,585
It's over.

1249
01:03:16,668 --> 01:03:19,213
And I can't tell you
how I am gonna die, Bob,

1250
01:03:19,296 --> 01:03:21,006
but I can tell you how I'm not gonna die.

1251
01:03:21,089 --> 01:03:22,841
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1252
01:03:22,925 --> 01:03:24,718
And unless there is a great white shark

1253
01:03:24,801 --> 01:03:26,512
bartending at that tiki hut,

1254
01:03:26,595 --> 01:03:30,057
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1255
01:03:30,140 --> 01:03:32,434
it's not going down like that, Bob.

1256
01:03:32,518 --> 01:03:35,062
[CROWD CHEERING]

1257
01:03:35,145 --> 01:03:37,773
And then what's crazy
if you put something like that

1258
01:03:37,856 --> 01:03:40,317
into YouTube or Google,
shark attacks in the water,

1259
01:03:40,400 --> 01:03:42,569
oh, my God, seven million videos

1260
01:03:42,653 --> 01:03:44,571
come up of horrifying things.

1261
01:03:44,655 --> 01:03:46,406
And I don't know what made me
click on the one.

1262
01:03:46,490 --> 01:03:48,992
It was like a <i>60 Minutes</i>
or one of those shows.

1263
01:03:49,076 --> 01:03:52,496
It was an old guy interviewing
this young, cute girl, a surfer girl.

1264
01:03:52,579 --> 01:03:56,375
But unfortunately, her right arm
had been eaten off by a shark.

1265
01:03:56,458 --> 01:03:59,211
And this was to be a feel-good thing
because she's gonna surf again

1266
01:03:59,294 --> 01:04:01,672
and she's sitting there with her parents
and the old guy goes,

1267
01:04:01,755 --> 01:04:05,592
"So you're gonna to surf again, huh?

1268
01:04:05,676 --> 01:04:08,345
Are you nervous? Because, well."

1269
01:04:08,804 --> 01:04:11,181
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1270
01:04:11,265 --> 01:04:13,058
So inappropriate, right?

1271
01:04:13,141 --> 01:04:17,145
And the... but the girl goes,
"No, because like I told my parents,

1272
01:04:17,229 --> 01:04:20,232
what are the odds of a shark
eating my other arm?"

1273
01:04:21,149 --> 01:04:22,609
And her parents were just sitting there.

1274
01:04:22,693 --> 01:04:25,821
I wanted to go, "Tell her, the same,

1275
01:04:25,904 --> 01:04:28,865
the exact Goddamn same.

1276
01:04:28,949 --> 01:04:31,410
What's the matter with you?"

1277
01:04:32,160 --> 01:04:33,120
And you know why they're the same?

1278
01:04:33,203 --> 01:04:35,163
Because sharks don't have
Monday morning meetings

1279
01:04:35,247 --> 01:04:38,292
about what has occurred
and what will be occurring.

1280
01:04:39,334 --> 01:04:41,253
"This is Tiffany.

1281
01:04:41,336 --> 01:04:45,173
Somebody ate her right arm off
a year and a half ago.

1282
01:04:45,257 --> 01:04:47,467
She's getting back in the water.

1283
01:04:47,551 --> 01:04:50,721
Let's not eat her left arm off, too, okay?

1284
01:04:50,804 --> 01:04:52,764
Don't be a dick, Bill.

1285
01:04:52,848 --> 01:04:54,933
Everybody knows it's you.

1286
01:04:56,143 --> 01:04:59,438
There's a lot of nice sharks in this room

1287
01:04:59,521 --> 01:05:01,773
giving us a bad name."

1288
01:05:01,857 --> 01:05:04,192
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1289
01:05:04,276 --> 01:05:06,320
And I've watched Shark Week my whole life.

1290
01:05:06,403 --> 01:05:08,572
I'm not getting in ever, ever again.

1291
01:05:08,655 --> 01:05:10,115
It's never, ever gonna happen.

1292
01:05:10,198 --> 01:05:12,743
I like <i>Shark Week</i>
and I really love the show.

1293
01:05:12,826 --> 01:05:17,080
I'm very faithful to the show
<i>Snapped</i> on Oxygen.

1294
01:05:17,706 --> 01:05:20,876
Yeah, it's, it's like the only show
they have anymore.

1295
01:05:20,959 --> 01:05:22,711
Like, if you turn on the guide on Oxygen,

1296
01:05:22,794 --> 01:05:25,881
it just says "Snap, Snap,
Snap, Snap, Snap, Snap, Snap, Snap."

1297
01:05:25,964 --> 01:05:27,341
And if you've never seen it,

1298
01:05:27,424 --> 01:05:29,801
it's about women who have tolerated

1299
01:05:29,885 --> 01:05:33,305
a whole lot of crap in their life.

1300
01:05:33,388 --> 01:05:38,018
Bad crap. Until one day, they don't.

1301
01:05:38,101 --> 01:05:40,437
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1302
01:05:40,520 --> 01:05:41,980
And that's the snap.

1303
01:05:42,648 --> 01:05:44,691
And what's crazy about this show

1304
01:05:44,775 --> 01:05:49,279
is not only are the crimes
usually off the charts crazy,

1305
01:05:49,363 --> 01:05:51,615
but the women who did them,
they're on the show.

1306
01:05:51,698 --> 01:05:52,741
It's not actors.

1307
01:05:52,824 --> 01:05:56,536
And they seem so extraordinarily normal.

1308
01:05:56,620 --> 01:05:58,914
Like any lady you'd meet in the suburbs.

1309
01:05:58,997 --> 01:06:02,167
I know now nobody's normal.

1310
01:06:02,250 --> 01:06:04,753
And it's the way they tell the story.

1311
01:06:04,836 --> 01:06:06,880
It sounds almost sweet when it starts.

1312
01:06:06,963 --> 01:06:09,675
"Hi. My name's Sue.

1313
01:06:10,258 --> 01:06:13,929
Uh, yeah, me, and, uh, me and Dave
got married young.

1314
01:06:14,012 --> 01:06:14,846
We were young.

1315
01:06:14,930 --> 01:06:16,348
But a couple of years into the marriage,

1316
01:06:16,431 --> 01:06:17,849
I found out he was having an affair,

1317
01:06:17,933 --> 01:06:20,185
and I was just heartbroken.
I was so upset.

1318
01:06:20,268 --> 01:06:22,062
But he apologized and said he was drunk

1319
01:06:22,145 --> 01:06:25,023
and I was young, so I stayed.

1320
01:06:25,107 --> 01:06:27,984
Fast forward, a couple kids later,

1321
01:06:28,068 --> 01:06:29,194
a few more years later,

1322
01:06:29,277 --> 01:06:30,821
I find out he's having his second affair.

1323
01:06:30,904 --> 01:06:32,155
And now I'm angry. I am.

1324
01:06:32,239 --> 01:06:34,449
I'm angry because we have two little kids

1325
01:06:34,533 --> 01:06:37,160
and this is their dad
and they really like him.

1326
01:06:37,244 --> 01:06:39,788
And again, I chose to stay.

1327
01:06:39,871 --> 01:06:41,957
And then fast forward
a few more years later,

1328
01:06:42,040 --> 01:06:44,543
I found out he was having
his third affair.

1329
01:06:44,626 --> 01:06:46,920
And that's when I set him on fire.

1330
01:06:47,003 --> 01:06:50,006
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1331
01:06:58,390 --> 01:06:59,599
Yeah, I did.

1332
01:06:59,683 --> 01:07:01,435
He was just laying there on that couch,

1333
01:07:01,518 --> 01:07:03,353
passed out, and I thought, you know,

1334
01:07:03,437 --> 01:07:05,522
I've asked him to move the gas cans
in the garage

1335
01:07:05,605 --> 01:07:07,232
at least 87 times.

1336
01:07:07,315 --> 01:07:08,608
And I thought, you know, dammit,

1337
01:07:08,692 --> 01:07:11,153
I'll move them. You watch me.

1338
01:07:11,236 --> 01:07:12,279
I'll do it."

1339
01:07:12,362 --> 01:07:14,906
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1340
01:07:16,241 --> 01:07:18,952
And this is why when my friends

1341
01:07:19,035 --> 01:07:21,121
in their 40s and 50s, they get divorced

1342
01:07:21,204 --> 01:07:22,456
and then they'll start dating

1343
01:07:22,539 --> 01:07:23,874
and then they'll always
circle back around and go,

1344
01:07:23,957 --> 01:07:25,083
"Goddamn, Kathleen,

1345
01:07:25,167 --> 01:07:29,755
I had no idea how many women
out there are crazy."

1346
01:07:29,838 --> 01:07:31,673
Well, you know what? That's your fault,

1347
01:07:31,757 --> 01:07:35,051
because we have a whole channel devoted

1348
01:07:35,135 --> 01:07:36,762
to what we are capable

1349
01:07:36,845 --> 01:07:38,764
when the envelope gets pushed

1350
01:07:39,431 --> 01:07:41,349
and it's... you can watch it, too.

1351
01:07:41,433 --> 01:07:43,727
It's not just for women,
but that's the problem.

1352
01:07:43,810 --> 01:07:45,729
You guys aren't watching it.
You know who's watching it?

1353
01:07:45,812 --> 01:07:49,232
Other women. We're just getting ideas.

1354
01:07:49,316 --> 01:07:51,568
I know prison sentences.

1355
01:07:51,651 --> 01:07:54,321
I know which states
have the death penalty.

1356
01:07:54,404 --> 01:07:57,407
You don't even know how much shit
I know from that show.

1357
01:07:58,241 --> 01:08:01,369
And what's really alarming
is my mom loves it, too.

1358
01:08:01,453 --> 01:08:04,289
I would say we've probably
both been watching it

1359
01:08:04,372 --> 01:08:09,044
for seven years
and I've never seen a repeat.

1360
01:08:10,253 --> 01:08:12,172
Oh, yeah [INDISTINCT]

1361
01:08:15,592 --> 01:08:16,927
I like that.

1362
01:08:18,053 --> 01:08:21,056
And I still watch <i>Tiny House Hunters.</i>

1363
01:08:21,139 --> 01:08:22,933
Yeah, the other ones I got bored with.

1364
01:08:23,016 --> 01:08:24,851
But <i>Tiny</i>, I like it because I feel like

1365
01:08:24,935 --> 01:08:26,728
if you have never seen it,
it's usually a couple.

1366
01:08:26,812 --> 01:08:30,232
And I feel like they're suffering
some sort of clinical nervous breakdown,

1367
01:08:30,315 --> 01:08:33,443
but nobody in their family or friends
wanna deal with that shit,

1368
01:08:33,527 --> 01:08:35,529
so everyone just encourages them.

1369
01:08:35,612 --> 01:08:37,155
"Yeah, you should live in a tiny house.

1370
01:08:37,239 --> 01:08:38,448
You should leave right now.

1371
01:08:38,532 --> 01:08:40,784
I don't even know why you're still here.
Like, get going."

1372
01:08:40,867 --> 01:08:43,411
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1373
01:08:43,495 --> 01:08:48,416
The whole concept is that
the tiny house is 500 square feet or less

1374
01:08:48,500 --> 01:08:50,794
and they'll all want it
to be mobile, okay?

1375
01:08:50,877 --> 01:08:52,504
Because they're gonna tow this shit show

1376
01:08:52,587 --> 01:08:54,840
all across North America

1377
01:08:54,923 --> 01:08:58,134
and bother every single person
they've ever met on Facebook.

1378
01:08:58,969 --> 01:09:01,221
"Hi, do you care if we live in a yard
for like a year?

1379
01:09:01,304 --> 01:09:02,806
We'll be so quiet."

1380
01:09:03,765 --> 01:09:06,518
But with this show,
what's alarming is every time

1381
01:09:06,601 --> 01:09:09,563
they pull up the couple
to get their tiny house,

1382
01:09:09,646 --> 01:09:12,732
they're like in a 2015 Honda Civic.

1383
01:09:12,816 --> 01:09:16,027
Well, come on, guys.

1384
01:09:16,111 --> 01:09:18,446
You can't pull that with that.

1385
01:09:18,530 --> 01:09:21,116
You can't even pull another Honda

1386
01:09:21,199 --> 01:09:22,951
with that Honda.

1387
01:09:23,034 --> 01:09:25,412
The tiny house you want is $47,000.

1388
01:09:25,495 --> 01:09:29,291
The truck you need to pull
that tiny house is $62,000.

1389
01:09:29,374 --> 01:09:32,377
So, why don't we take
your dumbasses truck shopping?

1390
01:09:33,712 --> 01:09:37,173
And that's why I will never be the host
of <i>Tiny House Hunters</i>

1391
01:09:37,257 --> 01:09:38,842
because it would turn into truck shopping,

1392
01:09:39,384 --> 01:09:42,512
a show which I would have no interest
in at all anyway,

1393
01:09:42,596 --> 01:09:45,599
because as an adult, I don't think
there's anything worse for me.

1394
01:09:45,682 --> 01:09:47,851
Maybe aside from doing taxes

1395
01:09:47,934 --> 01:09:50,520
is having to buy a car so much

1396
01:09:50,604 --> 01:09:51,730
and I don't care what I drive.

1397
01:09:51,813 --> 01:09:56,109
Up until last November,
my car was a 2007 Mercury Mariner.

1398
01:09:56,192 --> 01:09:57,986
Hold your applause.

1399
01:09:58,069 --> 01:10:00,196
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1400
01:10:00,280 --> 01:10:02,407
There's more than just me.
I see them out there.

1401
01:10:02,490 --> 01:10:04,910
I loved it.
But then it started acting weird.

1402
01:10:04,993 --> 01:10:08,330
I'm like, "Shit, I'm gonna go
have to buy a car."

1403
01:10:08,413 --> 01:10:11,041
And my sister, who's my height,
important to this story,

1404
01:10:11,124 --> 01:10:13,335
she drives a GMC Acadia. I've driven that.

1405
01:10:13,418 --> 01:10:16,004
I'm like, "That'll do.
I'll just go get one of those."

1406
01:10:16,087 --> 01:10:19,007
So I called the GMC people.
I go, "I'm coming down there

1407
01:10:19,090 --> 01:10:20,800
and I'm gonna pay cash

1408
01:10:20,884 --> 01:10:23,178
and I don't wanna... I don't wanna spend
any more than an hour.

1409
01:10:23,261 --> 01:10:25,138
I don't wanna talk about math

1410
01:10:25,221 --> 01:10:28,183
or math or math.

1411
01:10:28,266 --> 01:10:29,851
I don't wanna be in your play

1412
01:10:29,935 --> 01:10:31,603
where you go talk to some secret person.

1413
01:10:31,686 --> 01:10:33,605
I don't... I don't... I don't...

1414
01:10:33,688 --> 01:10:35,899
I'm just gonna pay
what you tell me it cost

1415
01:10:35,982 --> 01:10:36,816
and then I'm going to leave it.

1416
01:10:36,900 --> 01:10:39,694
This'll probably be the last car
I'll ever buy for all I know."

1417
01:10:39,778 --> 01:10:41,571
"Okay, sure. Come on down."

1418
01:10:41,655 --> 01:10:44,157
So I go down and Dave is my guy.

1419
01:10:44,908 --> 01:10:47,077
I said, "Dave, I truly don't give a shit.

1420
01:10:47,160 --> 01:10:48,203
I don't even care what color it is.

1421
01:10:48,286 --> 01:10:51,164
All I care about, Dave,
one thing, my deal breaker,

1422
01:10:51,247 --> 01:10:53,208
that seat has to go up electronically

1423
01:10:53,291 --> 01:10:55,293
because it may not look like it, Dave,

1424
01:10:55,377 --> 01:10:58,171
but I am actively shrinking in real time,

1425
01:10:58,254 --> 01:11:01,174
like, it's a thing, Dave,

1426
01:11:01,257 --> 01:11:03,343
like in five years,
I'm gonna be in a car seat

1427
01:11:03,426 --> 01:11:06,221
because for four-ten or under is the law."

1428
01:11:06,304 --> 01:11:09,391
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1429
01:11:09,474 --> 01:11:11,810
I said, "Other than that, I don't care."

1430
01:11:11,893 --> 01:11:15,522
And he goes, "Well, you know,
you did say on the phone

1431
01:11:15,605 --> 01:11:16,940
that you travel a lot.

1432
01:11:17,023 --> 01:11:19,943
So I worked up some numbers
about leasing."

1433
01:11:20,819 --> 01:11:22,529
No, don't do this, Dave.

1434
01:11:22,612 --> 01:11:23,697
And he did it.

1435
01:11:23,780 --> 01:11:25,615
He just started talking about math

1436
01:11:26,700 --> 01:11:30,245
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

1437
01:11:30,328 --> 01:11:33,456
...la la la.

1438
01:11:33,540 --> 01:11:35,917
And at some point,
he noticed I had drifted out.

1439
01:11:37,043 --> 01:11:38,878
[LAUGHS]

1440
01:11:38,962 --> 01:11:41,715
And he goes,
"Kathleen, are you still with me?"

1441
01:11:41,798 --> 01:11:44,134
"No, Dave.

1442
01:11:44,217 --> 01:11:46,886
I quit listening like eight minutes ago."

1443
01:11:46,970 --> 01:11:48,346
He goes, "Well, what are you
thinking about?

1444
01:11:48,430 --> 01:11:50,140
Maybe I can help you." I go,
"Do you really wanna know

1445
01:11:50,223 --> 01:11:51,307
what I was thinking about, Dave?

1446
01:11:51,391 --> 01:11:54,185
Honest to God, I'll tell you
what I was thinking about,

1447
01:11:54,269 --> 01:11:56,146
because maybe you can help me

1448
01:11:56,229 --> 01:11:58,356
because, um,
I haven't figured it all out yet.

1449
01:11:58,440 --> 01:12:01,568
Um, I just found out that in, like, the
next,

1450
01:12:01,651 --> 01:12:03,486
um, few months, I'm gonna have...

1451
01:12:03,570 --> 01:12:06,114
I'm gonna go to do shows in
Portland, Oregon, Eugene, Oregon,

1452
01:12:06,197 --> 01:12:07,574
and Medford, Oregon.

1453
01:12:07,657 --> 01:12:09,993
And at night,
me and the other comedian will drive,

1454
01:12:10,076 --> 01:12:12,787
uh, to get to the other city
and I was thinking about

1455
01:12:12,871 --> 01:12:15,665
what I would do if we hit a Bigfoot.

1456
01:12:15,749 --> 01:12:18,877
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1457
01:12:20,211 --> 01:12:21,296
Yeah.

1458
01:12:23,965 --> 01:12:25,133
[SIGHS]

1459
01:12:25,216 --> 01:12:26,926
Because think about it, Dave.

1460
01:12:27,010 --> 01:12:29,596
You know, with COVID,
the animals are coming into town

1461
01:12:29,679 --> 01:12:31,598
more and they're more comfortable

1462
01:12:31,681 --> 01:12:34,059
and it's worth millions
and millions of dollars, Dave,

1463
01:12:34,142 --> 01:12:35,894
that's why you have to have a plan.

1464
01:12:35,977 --> 01:12:38,521
Like, you can't just react emotionally
in the moment

1465
01:12:38,605 --> 01:12:39,939
or you're gonna lose all your money.

1466
01:12:40,023 --> 01:12:42,192
So while you were talking,

1467
01:12:42,275 --> 01:12:44,235
I figured there's two scenarios, Dave.

1468
01:12:44,319 --> 01:12:48,198
Scenario A is I've hit it
and it's injured.

1469
01:12:48,281 --> 01:12:49,699
Oh, not good, right?

1470
01:12:49,783 --> 01:12:53,369
It's stuck under the wheel well like
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

1471
01:12:53,453 --> 01:12:55,330
then how do I explain that, Dave?

1472
01:12:55,413 --> 01:12:56,664
And so, I mean, I'm a wizard,

1473
01:12:56,748 --> 01:12:59,918
but I only have so many powers.

1474
01:13:00,001 --> 01:13:02,295
I can't be in charge of that.

1475
01:13:03,797 --> 01:13:07,008
Scenario B, Dave, is I've hit it
and it's dead.

1476
01:13:07,092 --> 01:13:09,677
That's a lot more of a tame scenario.

1477
01:13:09,761 --> 01:13:11,262
So, that's the one I would hope for.

1478
01:13:11,346 --> 01:13:14,015
But then you have to think, Dave,
what are you gonna do?

1479
01:13:14,099 --> 01:13:15,934
Like, are you gonna call the police?"

1480
01:13:17,185 --> 01:13:20,647
"I'm not because I don't trust the po-po.
They'll steal my Bigfoot.

1481
01:13:20,730 --> 01:13:21,898
I know they will.

1482
01:13:21,981 --> 01:13:25,235
It's worth millions
and millions of dollars.

1483
01:13:26,027 --> 01:13:28,071
Am I gonna post a picture on Instagram?

1484
01:13:28,154 --> 01:13:30,990
No. Because then the millennials
will get motivated

1485
01:13:31,074 --> 01:13:32,867
and they'll get up
and they'll come out there

1486
01:13:32,951 --> 01:13:34,494
and beat me up and steal my Bigfoot

1487
01:13:34,577 --> 01:13:37,622
because I will have forgotten
to turn off my location.

1488
01:13:38,873 --> 01:13:40,625
Am I gonna post it on TikTok?

1489
01:13:40,708 --> 01:13:43,211
No, because most of my people
are in a hospice

1490
01:13:43,294 --> 01:13:48,216
and they don't need to be
bothered with my horseshit.

1491
01:13:50,426 --> 01:13:52,095
So that's as far as I got, Dave.

1492
01:13:52,178 --> 01:13:54,389
I don't know what I will do yet,

1493
01:13:54,472 --> 01:13:56,099
but I know a lot of stuff I won't do

1494
01:13:56,182 --> 01:13:58,893
and that's how you
start a good plan for you."

1495
01:13:59,978 --> 01:14:02,021
He just looked at me with his eyes,

1496
01:14:02,105 --> 01:14:03,106
they're weird and where he goes,

1497
01:14:03,189 --> 01:14:06,609
"So the only thing you care about
is if the seat goes up?

1498
01:14:06,693 --> 01:14:08,319
"Yes, Dave."

1499
01:14:08,403 --> 01:14:10,029
[LAUGHTER]

1500
01:14:10,113 --> 01:14:12,073
All right, you guys.
I got to get out of here.

1501
01:14:12,157 --> 01:14:14,159
{\an8}Thank you so much, Denver.

1502
01:14:14,242 --> 01:14:15,785
{\an8}You're always the best.

1503
01:14:15,869 --> 01:14:16,703
{\an8}Thank you.

1504
01:14:16,786 --> 01:14:19,539
{\an8}[SINGER] ♪ <i>Kathleen</i> ♪

1505
01:14:19,622 --> 01:14:22,417
{\an8}♪ <i>Kathleen</i> ♪

1506
01:14:22,500 --> 01:14:23,668
{\an8}[KATHLEEN] Bye.

1507
01:14:23,751 --> 01:14:25,295
{\an8}Bye up there.

1508
01:14:26,963 --> 01:14:30,425
{\an8}[SINGER] ♪ <i>Kathleen</i> ♪

1509
01:14:30,508 --> 01:14:33,678
{\an8}♪ <i>Kathleen</i> ♪

1510
01:14:33,761 --> 01:14:37,765
{\an8}♪ <i>Kathleen</i> ♪

1511
01:14:37,849 --> 01:14:40,643
{\an8}♪ <i>Kathleen</i> ♪

1512
01:14:40,727 --> 01:14:43,229
{\an8}♪ <i>What's it all about?</i> ♪

1513
01:14:43,313 --> 01:14:47,358
{\an8}♪ <i>Boxed wine</i> ♪

1514
01:14:47,442 --> 01:14:52,864
{\an8}♪ <i>And tiny banjos</i> ♪

1515
01:14:59,370 --> 01:15:01,664
{\an8}♪ <i>Kathleen</i> ♪♪